Well, another sleepless night. I woke up in severe pain this morning. My back spasms have gotten worse and I am experiencing the most pain I have ever had. It's centered in my thoracic spine. Somehow I managed to make it through my work day. I was popping Tylenol and had a heating pad for a while. I was in the bathroom when I found the lidocaine patches. I put one of those on and survived the day. It hurts to move in any way. I can sit in the chair with a firm pillow behind me. I dug out my old back brace to give me some support. It's helping a little bit.
Right now, I'm trying to decide if I should talk to Dr. Ayer or seek the counsel of a new doctor who also specializes in pain management. I'm leaning towards calling the new doctor. She's here in Johns Creek and is supposed to be very good. Plus, she's black, which means I may not be dismissed as just another female with pain. Of course a new doctor means new x-rays and perhaps another MRI, but I don't care. The pain is quickly becoming unbearable. I can see why some people get so desperate. While suicide has not crossed my mind, I can understand why people do it.
I have always told myself that I wouldn't take narcotics over a long period for fear of addiction, but things are at the point now where I may consider it. The lack of sleep and agonizing pain is getting to me. It hurts to walk. Every step jars my spine in such a way as to cause sharp pains in my back. I'm not sure of what to do. I hope that I don't get shuffled off for more physical therapy. The pain is so bad that I am seriously considering more surgery. I wish there was such a thing as a spine transplant.
As look back, I have been in chronic pain since 2012. That's 13 years of sometimes crippling pain. I'm tired. I get at most 4 hour of sleep a night. It's taking a toll on my mental state. I'm currently dealing with April's illness, and money stress, work stress and this constant soul crushing pain. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to be the queen of pain. I don't have time for this shit. School starts in 3 weeks. I have to be ready. I want my degree.
Oh well, I guess that's all for now. I'm just here, plugged in and listening to my music. Right now that's Annie Lennox radio on Pandora. It's a good mix. It's stimulating and relaxing at the same time. Poor Zelda has been up with me all night. She's napping next to my computer. She really wants to be on my chest or my lap, but even her 12 pounds is too heavy for me. I've had to shove her off of me several times tonight. I'm so sorry Pud Pud. Hopefully, I'll feel better in a few hours. Time for more Tylenol.
Peace - BB