Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Reflections

 

Today is the last day of 2025. Damn, where did the year go? I remember January because it felt like it lasted for 75 days. After that, I don't remember too much until my birthday in August. I know I spent a lot of time going to the doctor. I don't remember too much else about 2025. I wonder why? 

I'm trying to think back on the year and make note of any goals I met. Unfortunately, I can't think of too much. I accomplished one big goal and that was going back to school. I completed my first semester at Georgia Southern University. I only took 2 classes, but I managed to get a B in both classes. I did this while working full-time. I also committed to my Spanish lessons. I'm still on the free plan, but I've gone 66 days straight of taking at least 1 lesson a day. I'm doing well, I think I am anyway. I am starting to think in Spanish, and dream in Spanish. I would have signed up for the super plan, but I just can't afford it right now. But, as soon as I can I will get the extended plan. 

Hmm, I made a commitment to attend Mass every week. I messed up on a big holiday. I didn't get to Mass for most of December including Christmas. I wanted to go early, but just couldn't get it together. Anyway, I'll recommit myself to attend Mass weekly for 2026. I think I'll throw in a couple of Saturday services. I did go to Mass on Ash Wednesday and Easter. I even dressed up on Easter, and bought a church hat!! I looked very cute if I may say so. I'm going to get another outfit for 2026. I wanted to get some dresses, and I found some on Amazon that I liked a lot. It's a matter of funding though. I also have to get some church shoes. Okay, basically I need to go shopping for some clothes. I haven't been shopping for a very long time. 

Oh, I made a commitment to do better at work. My attendance still sucks, and I have no PTO, but I have gotten better at my job. I'm exceeding my metrics. My adherence is ridiculous. Something like 96%. Which means that I spend most of my time in "available" and waiting in queue. I still listen to music and watch TV. I just don't get up to go smoke or go to the bathroom every hour anymore. My survey score is up also. I was getting only 12 before. I now average 13.5. I almost got 15, but I'm not complaining. My scores show my commitment to my job. I am still waiting for my level 2. Hopefully, I'll get it by March. 

I also decided to work harder on my acting career. I have a profile on Allcasting. I still have to upload a video and audio reel. Maybe I'll work on it this weekend. I need to make an introductory video about myself. Hopefully, I'll be able to pull myself together and look decent and have some privacy so I can record it. I'd get Erica to help me, but whenever I ask her anything she gets an attitude. She may be 42 soon, but she still acts like a 16 year old. She can be rather obnoxious, and sometimes I don't like her. I'm hoping to land a couple of acting jobs in 2026. My goal is to get at least 1 well-paying job. I need the money. 

Speaking of money, I don't have any. I had no success in saving money. I budget to pay bills and it works out on paper. Then, April and Erica have their hands in my wallet, and I end up not being able to pay my bills. But, I've set up payment plans, and they are supposed to come out automatically. If I could just keep my money, I'd be debt free by next year. But that's unlikely. I don't even have the rent money for tomorrow. It's going to be late again. I'm still a month behind on the electric bill. I'm paying just enough to keep my service. Well, for 2026, I am committing to my budget. As soon as I make one. I have to map everything out; who gets paid what and when. I still don't have enough money. I really need some kind of side hustle or my raise. 

I have decided that I will concentrate on my health and staying away from the doctor's office. One of the first things I'm going to do is see a dietician. I want an anti-inflammatory diet, and to lose 50 lbs. I'm currently back up to 220. I stuffed my face over the holidays. If I can lose 50 lbs, that will take me down to 170, which will be the thinnest I've ever been in my adult life. I have to start exercising. I need to do it, and I also will have to do it for my phys ed class this semester. Hopefully, I can incorporate my class requirements to a lifestyle change. I was taking Mounjuro. But, I think that is what was causing the inflammation of my joints. I haven't taken it for the past 2 weeks and I haven't had a flare-ups. I still have a little joint pain, but not like it was. 

In 2026, I'm going to take some real vacation time. I plan on going to Ohio to meet my pen pal, MJ. I'm looking at the last weekend in May. Then in the fall I'm hoping to have a family gathering in Washington DC. I'm hoping for a long weekend in September. I'm going to try and avoid any type of festivals, like the Cherry Blossoms etc. We want to see the African American History Museum at the Smithsonian. I hope I can organize it. I was looking up stuff last week, and it just made me tired. I don't know why I have to be the one to organize everything. 

I also hope to finally find somewhere to volunteer. I won't have a lot of time, since my work schedule is changing at the end of January. I'll be working from 8:15 am to 7:15 pm Monday through Thursday. I'll be off on Fridays. I just hope I can do it. Oh well, I'll just have to work it out. 

Okay, so maybe 2025 wasn't such a bust. I kept my marbles and stayed out of the hospital except for my back surgery in May. I was able to get off one of my psych meds. I just need to get my diet and diabetes under control. I'm sure it will go well. 

I have decided that 2026 is the year of Peace. I won't let anyone steal my sense of peace. I will get closer to God, work on my health, and commit to my job. Everything will fall into place. I will try to let go and let God. I will try to remove myself from worry and sadness. I will keep my heart open and let love in and let it flow from me. I will be kind and compassionate. 2026 will be a good year. 

Peace Joy Love- B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Coffee, Cigarettes and Other Bad Habits

 

So, I started smoking again. Actually, I've been smoking since October. I don't smoke much, just 5 or 6 a day. But I like it. I don't smoke everyday. I can't really afford to smoke regularly. I get my cigarettes at a little gas station in the next town over. I'm smoking Pall Mall Select menthol 100's. They cost about $5 a pack. Which is incredibly cheap. A pack of Marlboros costs about $10. I refuse to pay that much. So, I smoke the cheap stuff. 

I can stop at any time. I just don't want to. The slow drag of the cigarette is something I enjoy. It satisfies my oral fixation. I also like the rush of the nicotine to my brain. The only thing I don't like about smoking is the smell. So, I keep the fabric freshener near by. I don't know if April and Erica suspect anything. They haven't said anything. I only smoke when no one is home, and when I walk the dog. So far, it's just my dirty little secret. I kind of like it that way. 

I'm still drinking coffee, even though my psychiatrist says I should cut back. It increases my anxiety. But, I don't sleep much anymore. So, I require coffee in the morning. Lately, I've been drinking 2 cups a day. which is really not that bad. I try not to drink after 12 pm. Otherwise, sleep eludes me completely. I've had a lot of trouble with insomnia the past 2 months. I sleep maybe 4 hours. Then, I'm up around 2 or 3 am. Sometimes, I can get back to sleep, but most of the time I'm just up. Like tonight. I slept for a few hours, then I just woke up at 2. I fell asleep for another hour and half on the couch, but then I just woke up. I suppose if I try again, I could go back to sleep. But, I've just got a lot on my mind. 

Money is my biggest worry. I got paid on Friday, and am now broke. I just can't make ends meet. I'm at a loss. I applied for some part time jobs, but never heard back. I don't want to quit my job, but if I don't get my promotion soon, I'm going to have to find something else. My benefits are great, which is the main reason. 

Speaking of the job, I got a new shift starting at the end of January. I'll be working from 8:15 am to 7:15 pm, Monday through Thursday. I'll have a 3 day weekend every week. I am kind of on the fence about it. It's kind of a struggle to make it through an 8 hour day. Now, I'll have to push myself to do 10 hour days. Having Fridays off is good I guess, but we'll see. I liked those hours when I was younger. Now that I'm a cranky old lady, I don't know if it will work. 

I'm gaining weight. I guess I've gained about 10 lbs. in the past few months. My favorite oversized clothes now fit like regular clothes and my underwear is getting tight. I don't like the feeling of being bound, so most of the time, I'm uncomfortable. I hate wearing a bra. I am now at the age where comfort is the most important aspect of my wardrobe choices. I really need to exercise, but the thought of it makes me ill. I should walk everyday, but most of the time it's just a fleeting thought. I meet with the dietician next month. Hopefully, she can help me put a plan together for me. I took Mounjaro for a few weeks. I lost 4 lbs. But, I think it makes me sick. 

I've been having a lot of trouble with joint pain. It's been debilitating. I haven't had any trouble with it for about a week now. Which coincides with my not taking my shot this week. Maybe it triggers some type of auto-immune response that causes inflammation of my joints. Only my shoulders hurt now. Before, it was every joint in my body screaming at me. However, it may not be the Mounjaro. It might just be that I took about a weeks worth of prednisone, and popping naproxen everyday. I was supposed to see the doctor on the 30th, but I couldn't get the time off from work, so I had to reschedule it. 

I want to sleep with someone. Not in a sexual way, I just want to sleep with someone. I think if I could nestle in someone's arms for a while, I might actually get some rest. Of course, sex may enter the picture, but I'd have to do some work on that front. I don't get wet enough to have sex comfortably. The last time I had sex, I was bleeding for a week because my vaginal tissue is fragile. It tore. I think they make a pill for that. I don't think about sex very often anymore. I used to masturbate 3 times a week. Now, it's maybe twice a month. Sometimes, I can't even reach orgasm. Oh well, I guess I'll just be a cranky, dried up old lady with 10 cats. 

I don't have many goals for 2026. I want to get an acting job or 2. Maybe, that can be my side hustle. If I could get a part that pays a couple of thousand, I could get out from under this debt. I feel really guilty. I feel a lot of shame also. I just can't seem to get a hold of my money. I guess that should be my main goal for the year. Save money. I need to desperately, because I want to visit MJ next spring. I would also like to have a family gathering in Washington DC. That takes money. I also want to go on a church tour of Italy. I don't know if there will be one this year, but either way, I want to go. Maybe, I'll find a tour on my own. That's about $2k. I still have to get my passport. Money, money, money. Everything cost so fucking much. I can't stand it. 

Oh well, I need another cigarette. I'll be time for coffee in an hour.

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Fa La La??

 

Okay, try as I might this Christmas is going down in the books as the worst ever. There's no tree, no presents, no family, no friends, no money. It sucks. I tried to put a good spin on it, but it didn't work. So, this whole week has really been pretty bad. First off, I haven't been sleeping more than 4 hours a night. I sleep for maybe 2 hours then wake up at 2 or 3 am. Sometimes, I can get back to sleep, other times not. I can't sleep in the silence. My head takes off in all directions and I start thinking and worrying about things that make no sense and are uncontrollable. Work has been pretty ridiculous. 

I don't know why most US companies just don't close the week of Christmas. No one really cares, and I personally feel like I could be doing anything else. I mean, I would rather clean my bathroom than answer the phone on the holidays. Anyway, I did try to take off this year, but there wasn't any allowance plus I didn't have the PTO. Next year however, I am taking off the whole holiday week. I just hope I can stand to bank the PTO. 

Erica is in Jacksonville at her dad's house. I'm honestly happy for her, but let's face it. Without her here, April and I are just 2 useless old ladies. I've been going back and forth between napping and watching TV. Zelda doesn't want me to do anything. She just wants to sit on my lap. I can only do nothing for about an hour, then I have to get up and do something. I actually did some laundry. At least my bed linens are clean. 

Next year, I want to go somewhere. I want to go somewhere now. Anywhere. I am really feeling the fact that I don't have a family of my own. I have no one to spend the holidays with, no children to visit, no grandchildren to spoil. Nothing. I'm just alone. It really is bothering me. If April wasn't here, I'd really be alone. 

I didn't make it to church for most of this month. I don't know why. I just didn't get there. I'm up usually since I hardly sleep anymore. I really wish I could just sleep for eight hours uninterrupted. 

I get paid tomorrow. I also have to work tomorrow. How dumb is that? I wish I could call out, but then I wouldn't get my holiday pay. I'm short $100 this pay because of sick time. My next check should be full. Not that it matters. I have decided to se3ttle my debts this year. I set up a payment plan on my credit card accounts. All but one that is. I just need $25k and I could be debt free. I'm so tired of worrying about money. 

Well, I guess that's all for now. Merry Christmas to me. Let's make next year a year of progress. Onward to 2026. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Angels I have Heard on High

 

Well, in 6 days it will be Christmas. I'm not ready. Well, materialistically I'm not ready. My finances are such that I don't have money for presents. I sent out Christmas cards, so I guess that's about it. I didn't get gifts for April, Erica or Sean. I had hoped to make cookies for some members of the family, but my body isn't cooperating. 

I have been seized by a pain so intense as to send me back to the doctor. I had to miss work because I was in such pain. It's a deep, piercing pain in my joints. It hurts to move. I couldn't wash my hair because my shoulders hurt so bad. It hurt to hold things in my hands, which resulted in me dropping a lot of things last week. I went to the doctor this past Tuesday. I got a shot of prednisone, plus some prescriptions to help deal with the symptoms. The past 2 days have been okay, but I'm feeling my pain return. It comes in flares. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It has been happening 2 or 3 times a week for the past month. I figured it was just arthritis. I was popping Tylenol extra strength 4 times a day. Which is not good for my liver, but I couldn't take the pain. 

The doctor think it may be a job for a rheumatologist. She requested my records from the rheumatologist I saw 3 weeks ago. I may have to have more blood work depending on what my records reveal. So, I guess I'll be spending the beginning of 2026 at the doctor again. Oh what joy!! 

I've been waffling between feeling pretty well, and feeling overwhelmed with emotion. I am think a lot about the Christmases I had as a child, and all of the wonder and joy that came with it. I miss my grandmother's house and the holiday dinners and all of my cousins around. It came to me that I miss the feeling of Christmas. I wanted to try and recapture some of those feelings. That's why I wanted to send the cookies out, but physically, I'm just not able to do it. It's very disappointing. 

Christmas will be pretty quiet around here anyway. Erica is going to spend Christmas with her father in Jacksonville. I'm happy for her. After years of not speaking, she finally let him back into her life. They are much closer. David apologized for being a pretty crappy dad in her early life. They talk about those things with humor now. I don't think Erica is as haunted by some things anymore. Oh well, I'm just glad that she is having a relationship with her dad again. I would give almost anything to have another day with my dad. 

It's his birthday this coming Sunday. He would have been 90 years old this year. I am planning on having a family Zoom meeting with my mom's side of the family. I will watch one of my dad's movies for his honor. I really miss him this year. 

I really want my family in close proximity again. I'm tired of being scattered. I need someone close by to escape to whenever I start longing for those feelings of safety I had as a child. I guess I need some more therapy to deal with these feelings. I still see my therapist once a week. I see the psychiatrist on Saturday. It's just a med check. I guess I'm doing okay mentally. I feel a little hopeless at times, but that's nothing a cool million wouldn't solve. 

The Powerball is up to 1.5 billion. I want to win it. I have a lot of plans for it. I keep praying about it. But, all things in God's time, right? If it is His will that I should become a multi-millionaire then so be it. In the meantime, I am thankful for all that I do have. I'll admit it though, it's not enough. I'm still struggling financially. I am months behind on bills. I have to pay my electric bill today or it will be disconnected. I'm tired of deciding what to spend my $25 on, be it gas or food. With the new year coming up, I'll have to satisfy another deductible and pay for some prescriptions. I set aside $700 in my FSA at work, but that will go quickly. Let's just say, I'm tired of robbing Peter and Paul to pay Tom. It's not working anymore. 

But, still, I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude. Depression is so tiresome. I really don't want to spend anymore time in the rabbit hole. Besides, it gets me no where. So, I will put on my Christmas music and dance around the house with my cat. I'll try to enjoy Christmas eve and Christmas Day. I'm going to the 3 pm Mass on Christmas eve. I think April and I will be watching a lot of TV. Who knows? I plan to sleep a lot, catch up on my sleep. 

By the way, my grades are in from school. I got a solid B in both classes. Hooray for me!!! So, I guess this is Merry Christmas to you. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you get something out of it. It's just a collection of random thoughts from a rather disturbed person. Not as disturbed as in the past, but still..

Peace Joy Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Art of Forgiveness

 

The dictionary defines forgiveness as a conscious decision to release resentment or vengeance towards someone who has harmed you, regardless of their deserving. It is not the act of forgetting or condone that harm. It simply means that you let go of any bitterness or resentment towards that person. 

I have a lot of people to forgive. I think we all have. I have harbored bitterness towards childhood bullies and people that I believe have wronged me somehow. Understandably, I have also harbored a deep hatred and anger towards those that have assaulted me. I carried this weight around for years. I even went so far as to hate myself and feel guilty for things that simply were not my fault. 

But I have learned to forgive. The first person I had to forgive was myself. I had to learn, after years of therapy, that I am a good and lovable person. I deserve to be loved and treasured. I am not a throwaway. I am not a monster. I am a child of God. God, who created me, loves me for myself. He knows my faults. He recognizes my shortcomings and loves me anyway. He gave me grace. So, I had to learn to give myself grace. Mistakes are not a sign of failure, but a lesson to learn. I make the necessary corrections and try again. That was the biggest thing I had to learn to do, try again. 

There were many times that I gave up on myself, on family, on God. I didn't believe I was worth the effort. I thought that I was a colossal mistake. I honestly believed that I wasn't wanted. My parents never said or did anything to make me feel this way, but I felt that way just the same. No one knew I felt that way. I never spoke about my pain. I isolated at a very young age. I thought if I was a good girl and stayed out of the way I would be loved. I was loved. I know that now. But, I would have denied it vehemently then if you had asked me. 

I've said it before, but I tried to take my own life several times. For some reason, I survived each attempt without any damage. The fact is, I saw each survival as a failure. I couldn't even kill myself, that's how pitiful I was. It didn't occur to me that my death would hurt anyone. I figured everyone would just get over it, and move on with their lives. It's only now that I realize that I must have caused my family a lot of anguish that I was so miserable and they couldn't help me. No one could help me. I had to help myself first. To do that, I had to forgive myself and trust God. He must have saved me for something. 

So, here I am now. Sometimes still reeling from my parents deaths. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. The fact that I am 60 years old only occurs to me when I try to make plans for my future. I want a house, but I don't have the body for the upkeep. I mean, I can't mow the lawn, etc. I could hire someone sure, but I don't have the money for it. If fact, I don't have the money for down payment for a house. I want a newer car, but again, I have a severe cashflow problem. In fact, Christmas this year is looking pretty bleak. 

I sometimes get angry at my parents for dying. I wasn't done with them yet. I still depended on them daily for support. I called my mom at least once a day to check in, and my dad at least once a week. I would call to get my "phone hug". When they died, I was left without that support. I had no one to go to anymore. Sure I still have my sister, but she is not a touchy feely person, so no hugs from her. My brother yelled at me about 6 months afterwards, basically telling me to get over it. So, I started calling my Aunt Gloria once a week. She was my mom's best friend and dad's cousin. She became my support system. I tell her all my problems. I'm starting to reach out to my other aunts and uncles for support now. It's kind of hard, but I'm learning to trust them. I don't do it more often because I don't want to seem so immature and needy, even though that's sometimes the way I feel. 

So, how do you forgive a dead person. My therapists suggests writing a letter. I've done that a few times. I told my my mom about how her illness affected me, and how I blamed her for driving my dad away. But, that's not the truth. At least I hope not. I never did have that conversation with my father. It's a regret. But I forgive my mom for being sick and I forgive my father for not being able to deal with it. Loving a mentally ill person is very difficult. I know this now. I guess now I should make a list of things I need to forgive and write them done to get them off my heart. It was suggested I write it on a rock and throw them into a lake or pond. That sounds like a really good idea. I think I may do that to close out 2025. This has been a pretty sucky year, and unless something miraculous happens, it will end on a not so great note. The theme for 2026 will be openness. I will open my self to new experiences and seek an adventure. I will continue to open my heart for love. I will continue to hope. 

Peace Joy Love-B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Giving Thanks

 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. It's a strictly American holiday in which we celebrate the blessings of of lives. It was originally a day for the Pilgrims to mark their survival in the colonies. It was thanks to the Native Americans or Indigenous peoples of the colonies that helped them survive. What did we give them in return? We gave them disease and stole their land. It's a harsh truth that most White people want to wash over like so much of history that they find unpleasant. But, in fact, when the colonists came they seemed to think that they had divine rights to the land that we call America. The natives were savages that had to be eradicated one way or another. So we either killed them or shuffled them towards the west. We stole their gold, and pushed them out of their way of life. 

Now, I am not trying to be un-American. But I think we need to look at our history for what it is. The Atlantic Passage brought the slave trade to America. It can safely be said that not one black person in this country has ancestors that are native to this country unless they have native blood running through their veins. The colonist wiped out about 60% of the native population by the time they were through and "imported" about 5 million Africans. 

Does that make me less than American? To the racist, I guess it does. But, I did not ask to come here. My ancestors did not come to America to seek a better life. They were kidnapped and brought here by force for slave labor. Blacks have endured 400 years of slavery and 150 years of discrimination. We had to fight in the courts just to be declared a whole person by the American government. 

I can't really say why I am talking about this, it's just that sometimes being an American is embarrassing. The history of this country, especially the treatment of other races is based on white supremacy. Right now, there is a movement to turn back the accomplishments of civil rights workers in all cases. The government has gotten increasingly openly racist. It's always been racist, but now it seems that it's okay to be a racist if you say that you are being a "patriot." 

I'm all for national pride, you understand, but why can't all of us, black, white, brown, yellow and red be proud Americans? Why can't we continue to fight for our dreams? What is the white man so afraid of anyway? Doe he think we are going to line them up and shoot them? Is he afraid that we will put them in camps like they did to the Japanese, and now doing to the Latino? Should white people have to carry their citizenship papers around proving they were born here? And if not, should they be exported back to their country of origin, especially if they are criminals? Maybe he is afraid. Maybe he is terrified of what would happen if he lost power and had to kowtow to another race. 

I happen to believe that we should be enforcing the human race, but that is neither here nor there. If the animals ever got wise and rose up we'd all be done for anyway. Then we would be slaughtered and packaged for consumption. 

So, keeping that all in mind. Give thanks for your current freedoms. Give thanks for your family and friends. If you have a job, food and a roof over your head, give thanks for that. I will be giving thanks for all that and the love I have in my life. You never know when it can all be taken away. 

Peace, Joy, Love-B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Shape of My Heart

 

So, I have hung up my dating shoes. I had taken a break from the dating sites in hopes of meeting someone the natural way. That went over like a cement balloon in a wind storm. I am and have decided to remain terminally single. 

Not that I mind all that much. The selection of men on the sites is questionable at best. Most of them are old homophobes who think they are God's gift to womankind. Reading some of the profiles was shocking due to their out and out hostility. Some were laughable. The lack of education is quite apparent. This on the profiles of those who claim to have a college degree! Other men want nothing but sex. I suppose I must give them credit for their honesty, but that's not what I'm looking for right now. In fact, sex is far from my mind these days. 

What do I want? I want romance. I think I deserve to be swept off my feet. I want to be impressed by a man. I want him to want to be with me and spend time with me. I want someone to walk into a room and turn on some music and grab me for a slow dance. I need good conversation and a great sense of humor. I don't think I am asking too much. 

The way things are going, I will never meet anyone. I had decided a while ago that I will spend my life alone before getting into a substandard relationship. I guess I will just have to be content being an old maid. It be different I guess if I weren't so poor. I think I'd be more dynamic if I had money. Money makes the world go around after all. If I were a truly independent woman, I don't think I would even worry about being alone. 

The heart is my favorite shape. It makes me feel good. It reminds me of love. Not so much of the kind of love that 2 people share, but the love that I share with God. It helps me remember that I am loved and always have been. My own heart has been ripped to shreds and pieced back together on several occasions. However, joy still beats within it. While I am alone, I still have hope. I suppose that is the most important thing. I love myself, which is the greatest love of all. I just wish I could share it with someone. Until then, I guess I'll just spread it around to all I come in contact with, even at work. 

Peace, Joy and most of all, LOVE 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: It's that Time of Year

 

Okay, so my rage against the holiday season has ended. In a big way too. I've been watching Christmas romantic comedies for the past 2 weeks. They've been quite enjoyable too. Granted they are a little corny and I know it's going to work out for the heroine, but still I like them. I mean after all, it's the time of year for the world to fall in love. 

Christmas for most people is a great time of year. You seem to feel happy for no apparent reason, you smile at strangers and little kids are especially cute and adorable. Even the music is good. I'm listening to Christmas music right now. I love decorating for the holidays. I love having a colorful tree and sitting up at night to watch the lights twinkle. 

You see, when I was growing up, we didn't have much. But my parents went all out at Christmas. We asked for things and just hoped they were under the tree on Christmas morning. I never cared about the presents anyway. I just like to see everyone happy on that day. I love to buy gifts for people. I like trying to find out what they really want and get it if I can afford it. I just love seeing the faces of recipients when they open the present. I don't do it for glory or praise. I do it to make them truly happy. 

I already have my gift giving wish list for this year. I'm just hoping I can afford it. We owe and I owe so much money to so many people it's a hot mess. I don't really care anymore. I have figured out that credit scores are a scam. The government is so in debt and yet they have the nerve to tell me I can't borrow money when they owe trillions. 

I've picked out my Christmas cards on Amazon. Erica is encouraging me to use Etsy instead of Amazon in order to support small businesses. Usually, I have found Etsy to be expensive, but I did take a look yesterday and found a few things I actually like. I'll take a look there for the cards. I only need about 15 anyway. I don't send out many cards anymore. Postage is ridiculous. 

I don't really want anything for Christmas. I need a new printer. I'd like a zebra print purse from Dooney & Burke. It's on sale right now, but I really can't afford it. I have the electric, car insurance and phone to pay. Plus, I need to give April money for the storage unit. We have to pay it by December 4th otherwise they will auction off our stuff, and we've got some good shit in there. 

I met with a grief counselor on Friday. My therapist thought it would be a good idea, since I am still in mourning for my parents. This time of year is especially hard for me. I miss my mom in the kitchen baking, and I would go visit my dad for his birthday in December and stay through the New Year. It's been a while since they died, but I'm still having a hard time. Not just now, but all the time. It went pretty well. Her name is Carla, and she's very nice and very easy to talk to. We are going to work on how I am processing my grief and get ready for the anniversaries. 

This is the first time in months that I've been able to smile when I think of my parents. Most of the time I cry or get really depressed. I had a suicidal thought last week. I didn't do anything, I just tried to put it out of my mind. I succeeded in doing that by watching a Christmas movie. 

I'm going back on the dating site I think. I will be very discerning regarding my choice. I haven't got time to fool around. I just want a companion right now. No sex, just fun. Then sex, hahaha. I have to figure that out still. I'll give it some more thought. 

Peace, Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Let Her Cry

 

She weeps when there is no one around. In the daytime, the tears fall like rain. No one can see those. Everyone has gone to work. Only the animals see. They gather at her feet and seem to ask her why. Why do you cry? Why are you sad? What can we do? 

The dog licks her toes. The cat climbs on her lap and makes biscuits on her shirt. All the while, she weeps. Does she even know why the tears come? Hot and salty burning her face. Her eyes become raw and achy from the sting of her tears. Sometimes she cries pretty, other times it is an ugly scene. Her nose runs, and voice cracks and she moans with pain of a thousand years of dreams broken. Does she even know why? 

Sometimes she think she knows, but doesn't dare speak it lest she sound too pitiful. Other times, it just seems like the thing to do on those lonely days. Her days are spent alone. Anchored to a desk with a headset connecting her to a world and people she couldn't care less about. She talks for a living. Trying to be cordial and helpful to those who ring through. But in between, she weeps. 

When did her life become so lonely? When did she become so old and jaded? What happened to the smiling girl in the picture when life held such promise? Where did she go? When exactly was the day her mind betrayed her and get so cloudy and muddled? The promises of life were broken. The success she promised herself is a long ago thought now. 

She had wanted to be an educated woman, a doctor. She just knew she would go to college and be a great thinker and doer of things. She would find the love of a good man and have 4 children. She would live in a nice house and be a good wife and mother. Then came the day when that slipped through her fingers and fell to floor crashing into a million tiny pieces that were so unrecognizable no one would be able to put that shattered dream back together. 

She wept all the time then. She didn't remember her dreams. She lived in a nightmare fully awake. Her thought processes became those of despair and death. She believed her mind when it said those things. She was stupid. She was ugly, she was a monster so horrible that no one could possibly like her let alone love her. Who did she think she was anyway? This blob of a girl, this horrid, putrid excuse for a human being? God did not create her. She was a creature from the deepest, coldest crevices of hell. She believed that she was a child of the devil himself. That is how her mind betrayed her. She had always believed her mind before. It had never lied to her, why should it lie now. She would be better off dead. It would have been better if she had never existed. She believed it. So, she wept. 

Now, she knows better. She knows that she is of God, and was created in His image and light. But it is too late for her. She grieves a life that is lost. The life she should have had. All of the time it took for her to find her way back to the light made her too old, too broken and forgotten. She doesn't smile much anymore. She hardly ever sings anymore. She doesn't dream anymore. She merely exists in this world and will continue to do so until her time comes. She now hopes that that time comes soon. She is tired. 

So very tired. Her body aches, and her head hurts. Sometimes, the tears do not fall. But there is a pain in her chest. She knows that it is her heart that weeps. One day to the next she goes about her business. There was a phrase in a movie she's seen many times; Get busy livin or get busy dyin. She no longer knows what to do. She feels it is too late to live, but it is not her time to die. So, she just is. 

That is why she weeps. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Downward Spiral

 

As much as I am fighting it, I am in a downward spiral. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't do much of anything without an incredible effort. Work has been one long struggle to get through each second of everyday. I feel like I am losing touch with reality. But then again, my reality is nothing I want to hold onto. 

My mind wanders to the depths of despair. Today, I worked for 40 minutes, and then called out. I went for a long drive. I stopped and bought some cheap cigarettes. After not smoking for over a year, it seemed like the sensible thing to do. I think if I didn't have them today, I would have fallen completely apart. I even thought of suicide. It wasn't just a fleeting thought today. It was a solid real thought. Death has become an option. 

I've been thinking of the next 20 years, and my future doesn't look good. I got a new diagnosis from the rheumatologist I saw last week. Instead of sarcoidosis, she found that I my blood work is positive for another autoimmune disease; primary biliary cholangitis. It's a disease in which my body is producing antibodies that are attacking my bile ducts, eventually destroying them. This in turn means that my liver cannot release bile into my bloodstream and allows for the build up of toxins. There is no cure. Eventually, I will go into liver failure and die. 

There is treatment. There are a couple of drugs on the market. However, from what I can tell, the drugs work in the gallbladder. I do not have a gallbladder. In worse cases, a transplant it warranted, but since I have diabetes, I may not be a good candidate for a transplant. So, I don't see much of a future. 

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I have 2 cat scans on Friday. One with contrast and one without contrast. She wanted to get pictures of my upper body and soft tissues of my chest and neck, because my lymph nodes in my neck and armpits are always swollen. I'm so tired. Fatigue is a major symptom, and apparently people with liver disease don't sleep much. 

In the meantime, I feel very alone. I stopped talking to Caton or whoever he is. I think he was a romance scammer after all. I told him I was sick, and that's why I haven't written in a few days. I wrote to him on Saturday, and didn't hear from him. Anyway, I deleted the app from my phone. At any rate, if he was who he said he was, he would have moved heaven and earth to contact me. So, much for my latest attempts at love. 

I've pretty much decided that I am just going to be a sick old lady without any prospects. I suppose I should try to think positively, but I keep thinking about grandmom, Aunt Berta and mom. All of them had liver cancer or something wrong with their livers. I guess I'm just following the family line. I figured at best, I had 20 years or so left. But it doesn't look like it at this point. I guess I could just give up. 

I am not a hopeful person. I guess I never was. It's time to stop kidding myself. I'm tired.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Tis the Season

 

I'm afraid I've reached the end of my tether. I go from being angry to caring about nothing. I've been yelling at the animals for no reason. I'm tired all the fucking time. It's that time. It's autumn. 

I like fall, I really do. The air is cool and crisp. There's a light breeze. I also dread it. I get depressed in the fall. It's seasonal affective disorder. I've never been diagnosed with it, but I know enough to know that the dark skies in the morning have a negative affect on me. I want to hibernate like some kind of bear. 

I cocoon myself at night, wrapped in fuzzy blankets and blotting out the light in the bedroom. My bed becomes my cave and I long to be cozy. However, I don't like waking up in the dark. It's hard to get started. I usually can't do too much in the morning during fall and winter. I wake up tired and want nothing more than to go back to bed. 

I become irritable and quick to temper. Lately, I've also had some paranoia. I keep thinking that people are talking about me. What people, I don't know. It's not like I know anybody. It's just the 3 of us. April and Erica still have their side conversations without me. When they do that, I feel angry, and I curse them in my mind. I know it's irrational because I didn't feel this way in the spring or summer time. I was pretty much upbeat all summer. Now, everything seems to get on my nerves. 

I started to talking to a guy on line, but have ignored him for about a week. I just don't care. I got tired of trying to be okay with the fact that I never talk to him on the phone. The more I thought about the more my mind convinced me he was some kind of romance scammer. I've made it a point of telling him that I am poor. I texted him today that I've been in the hospital that's why he hadn't heard from me. Quite frankly, I've compartmentalized him into a part of my mind for absurdities. I want a guy who is real and close by. Then again, I don't think I want to be with anyone at all. 

I'm 60 years old for God's sake. Entirely too old to play games. If you want me, here I am. I'm not chasing you. Actually, I don't mind being a spinster. I'll just get another cat and call it a life. I filled out a mortgage application. I don't know why. I don't know if I really want a house. I like the idea of owning a house, but who wants to deal with repairs and taxes. There's a lot that goes into the upkeep of a house. I don't even have the energy to paint one, let alone fix something. I suppose I'll buy a house if I ever win the lottery. That's the only way it will happen. 

God, I wish we could open the windows. It's so stuffy in here. I'm hot. I also want another cigarette. Yes, I started smoking again. Only 3-5 cigarettes a day. It helps me concentrate. It also relieves my anxiety. I'm anxious about school. My classes are okay. History is more interesting than my English class. She has us reading some dumb shit that's supposed to be funny or at least humorous. The stories are NOT funny to me. I think my humor is different than most people. It takes a lot to make me laugh. I chuckle from time to time, but mostly I just don't get it. As a result I'm only getting a C, and the thing is, I really don't care. I'm taking classes next semester and in the summer, but I hope that's the end of my core requirements. The state of Georgia forces you to take American history courses. Somethings have been really interesting. Mostly all it's done is make me dislike the settlers of the Americas a great deal. They came over here thinking they had the right to the land and the fortunes. The nearly destroyed the indigenous peoples that were here, hijacked there land and corrupted their cultures. 

I can see why conservatives are against teaching about race. The out and out criminal way they treated Africans with the Atlantic Slave trade was nothing less than an abomination. Africans were literally stolen people. How they can deny it is beyond me. 

I'm depressed. There, I said it. I want to go to bed. However, I keep trying to do productive things. I have it in my head that I at least have to try to live. Soon the holidays will be here. Unless, I plan carefully, there won't be any money for Christmas. I don't know what to get anyone anyway. Tis the season motherfuckers. Happy whatever. 

B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Little Talk with Jesus

 

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed it be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, Amen. 

Dear Lord, 

First I want to thank you for waking me up this morning, even though I was awaken by a four-legged black and white fur ball at 5: 45 AM. I was having a nightmare anyway, so I can't say I really mind. I'm having trouble sleeping this week. I'm very tense. As a result I've been smoking again. I only smoke 3 a day, but still, it's not a good thing. I'm asking You to take this stress from my heart and restore my joy in everyday things. 

I ask that you heal my body and spirit. I feel a little far from you this week. I was good for a few days. I went to Mass last Saturday morning. I felt refreshed and renewed. Then I did my budget for the next 2 weeks. I became tense and down-trodden. I don't know what to do, Lord. I need a financial blessing. I have been praying for a promotion to level 2 advocate. I have been told that I'm going to get it, but that was back in August. Still, I have not been enrolled in training classes, even though we have a new hire class going on right now. 

I ask that you look after my family. Heal my sister from her Parkinson's disease. Help Erica with her stress at work. Give her a glad heart and heal her soul. I ask that you give my brother a glad heart. I would love to see him sometime soon. Please give him some time off from work to come down for a visit. I ask that you bless him for his continued generosity towards me. He has bailed me out so many times. 

I ask you for guidance. Please lead me on the path of a life that glorifies you. Help me to be more like you. Let me approach everything I do with the love of Jesus in my heart. I thank You for letting me keep my job. I don't deserve the grace they have given me. 

Lord, I feel like everyday is a new struggle, and not just a chance to get closer to you. I pray that you continue to give me the strength to deal with each call as a compassionate person. Sometimes, I feel that I am flying by the seat of my pants. Help me be confident and do everything with kindness and empathy. 

I give all the glory to you Lord. I ask that you continue to bless me and all of my family and friends. Look after us, shine Your light upon all of us, and lead us in the direction of righteousness. Let us walk with the Lord in our hearts, and do all things through Christ. 

You are a deliverer, a healer, a strong fortress, a friend, a heavy load bearer, and confidant. I praise you, Lord, now and forever. I ask all things in Jesus holy name. Amen. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Bebe