Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Monster Within

 

Okay, so things fell apart for me today. It actually started last week, when I was having a hard time at work. I have said often that I don't like my job. Then with April being home sick for a week, I was quite upset on the inside. I started thinking all sorts of things. Now that she's being evaluated for Parkinson's disease, things got dark very quickly. 

My mind basically took off on a tangent of negative thoughts and patterns. Needless to say, the sleeping monster, bipolar, woke up with a very bad attitude. This wasn't a case of the blues. Today disintegrated into full blown hysterics. I couldn't breathe, had palpitations, a screaming headache, and diarrhea. I cried miserably for an hour. 

I even thought of harming myself. I thought maybe if I cut, it would make sense of all the chaos in my head. I flirted briefly with taking an overdose. However, those thoughts were swiftly cut down by the thought of going inpatient. I vowed that I would never go inpatient again. The only way I'm going in the hospital is if it's for a medical problem. My days of inpatient mental stays is done. I call my therapist and my psychiatrist. I talked to my therapist a little while ago. Fortunately, she was able to talk me off the ledge. She reminded me that the things I'm going through are mere distractions that are causing me to lose sight of my goals. I've been through these feelings before, and I have the artillery to fight back, so that's what I'm going to do. First thing she had me do is list my distractions. Then she had me come up with 2 positive things. 

1. David ghosted me. While I wasn't in love or fully invested, it hurt my feelings more than I was willing to admit.  

    A. I did have a relationship that would have broken my heart

    B. I'm talking to someone else, and may have a date this weekend. 

2. My sister's health. 

    A. I still have my sister

    B. I can spend more time with her

3. I don't like my job

    A. I have a well-paying job

    B. I have fabulous benefits

4. My own health is declining

    A. I'm not bed-ridden

    B. I have scheduled my wellness screenings this month

All these distractions have pulled my focus away from the things that really matter. I'm going back to school next month as an English major. I will use my degree to climb out this rut I am. I will get a better job with higher pay. Whether it be with Delta or somewhere else. Also, I need to keep pushing to stay positive and on point because I am a boss lady. I also need to get myself together to date effectively. I may have plans with a guy named Robert. He made me laugh this morning. That's a big plus for him. I will not be offering too much information. I will not have sex right away. I'm like a kitten. I will be cautious in my approach until I know someone better. I still have my 4/4/26 folder. I'm just manifesting a different vision. 

I do feel better now. I think I may actually have a good day tomorrow. I'm getting Invisalign. Also, getting a bridge as implants give me the willies. So, better health to me. 

Peace- BB  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Waiting, Watching, and Worrying

 

I know most posts are about me and my reactions to other people. I guess this one is too. But this time it's about my reaction to my my sister. Before you think that this is a rant against April, please rest assured that it is not. Although, I do bitch about her sometimes, I really love my sister and I look to her for advice and support. 

Yesterday, during a very bad day, she was encouraging to me. I wanted to call out because my body was freaking out. I had palpitations, body aches, a churning gut and headaches. But she was like, it'll will be okay, just try to push through. So, I took my migraine medicine, and took breaks when I could. It was rough but I made it through the day. 

We talked a lot yesterday, which was kind of unusual. That's not to say that we don't talk about stuff, but we talked like sisters. We shared some stuff. It reminded me of times that we used to hang out together. We had lunch, listened to the radio (actually it was Pandora on Alexa) and just talked. It was so cool. Then I started thinking about how much I do love her, and how worried I am about her. You see, my sister's health has been in decline this past year. On July 30th, she'll be 65 years old. 

The reason she was home yesterday was that she's in severe pain from a hip issue and that she had a neurology appointment for evaluation for Parkinson's disease. From all of the symptoms that she is displaying, that is the probable diagnosis. She's been home all week. She also had to have some images of her thyroid done because they are looking for something. I don't know why, but the test was brutal for her. She has to have an MRI of her brain and a scan to confirm the Parkinson's diagnosis. She's been to 5 different doctors in the past 2 weeks. I jokingly said to her, welcome to my world. However, I wouldn't wish my world of parading doctors on anyone. Watching her go through all this makes me sad. 

It's causing me to think of her mortality and our future. We are after all considered senior citizens now, even though I still have the mind of a 30 year old. I mean, I still think that I have plenty of time. That is until my body reminds me that I don't. I'll be 60 this year. I maybe have another 20 years left. My dad died at 85, my mother 79. I'm not scared of my mortality or April's but it has occurred to me the past few days that she is declining rapidly and that Erica and I will need to care for her. I've already decided that if I need to, I will take time off with FMLA to care for her. 

Growing old really sucks. Betty Davis was right. Growing old ain't for the weak. This shit will break your spirit. I think that's why people die. Not so much of any particular disease, but because their spirit was broken, and they simply lost the will to fight. I don't know which category my sister is. I'm hoping she is a fighter, but I can tell it's starting to wear her down. The only thing I can do for her is keep going myself, and try not to cause anymore stress. Which means, I need to push through one day at a time, one minute at a time. Other than that it's just a game of waiting, watching and worrying. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Today is NOT the Day

 

Today I hated my life. When I woke up this morning, I hated this apartment, I hated April and Erica, I just hated everything. I hate Mondays as a rule. I would rather work on a Saturday and be off on Sunday and Monday. Today was worse than most. Today I could have punched somebody in the throat. Not for a specific reason, just because they breathe too loud or they have a stupid face. 

The job was brutal today. I failed my quality last week. So now I have 81.50% . Which in some circles would be a B. A respectable grade. But here it is a fail. I hate this score system. I hate the arbitrary way the points are assigned or taken away. Fortunately, it will be changing soon, but it can't come soon enough for me. I hope I last that long. I've been actively seeking another job. I want to do claims processing. I'm tired of the call center and the phone quality bullshit. I know you may think that I hate it because of the quality scores, but it's not. Even people with high scores hate it. 

No one on the team likes their job. It's not like my old team. There was a real sense of teamwork and togetherness. We worked together for a common good. It's not like that anymore. All people on this team do is bitch moan and complain. The supervisor is nice enough, but he's no Angela Clark Smith. I really wanted to do my best for her. I couldn't give a shit about this team. I know Joe said he would help me get ahead, but I have to meet the metrics for 6 months. I've been trying for 3 years. It's clear to me, that it's not going to happen. I hate the callers. Most of the callers are stupid. I always think that they had better not make more money than me. Some of them are actually on the ball. Those are the people I have good conversations with, and hit all my marks. The bullshit of having to say this or that is so incredibly dumb. I mean the only thing that should matter is my customer service and did I answer the questions. 

So today was Not the day to give me grief about my after call work time. I was in ACW for 1 minute 30 seconds and he sends me a message: ACW. I'm like fuck you Joe!!! I'm trying to document the call appropriately. Get off my back!! 

There are so many times today, it took all I can not to quit. I wish I had like 3 months savings so I could quit and not have to worry about it for a month. I usually say I like my job, but I have to stop lying to myself. I hate my job, but like the company. If I could just get to another department. I think I would be okay. I even think I'd be happier back on ERS. Now it's just crap. 

Oh well, I guess that's all 

Peace - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Wisher of Things

 

First things first. I hate to admit it, but I must. It's over. I don't know why, but it is. He had no time. His favorite words: "I'm sorry, but I've just been so busy." Do I hold any ill will. Not really. I guess I put too much faith in him too soon. I'm disappointed and a little hurt. He just stopped talking to me. I haven't heard from since Sunday. I sent a couple of texts, but there wasn't a response. He told me on several occasions that he believed in working for what he wanted. Apparently, he no longer wants me. 

So there you have it. Another imaginary relationship bite the dust. I shouldn't say that. It wasn't imaginary. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm a fabulous catch. I went back on the dating site for a few days, but then paused it because I need to regroup. I'm not changing my wants or desires. What I am changing is my approach. I will no longer put myself out there at once. I will keep things close to the vest and let him pursue me. 

I still have my wish list. It still applies. I still want all those things from my husband. But I will put spending time with me at the top of the list. I've learned my lesson. What are my other wishes for my life? Well, I want a better job. I would like it to be with Delta, but it doesn't have to be. I want to be a claims examiner or an appeals specialist. I mentioned it to my supervisor and he told me he will help me achieve my goals. 

This August, I will start school. I have to check the website to see if my schedule is up and see what classes I'll be taking. Ha ha, I'll be the one whose just too busy to date. Maybe that's why God is holding back on m love life. Maybe I'll meet someone through school, or in another way. I wish I could meet someone in a regular way like at the Kroger or something. It would be cool to meet someone at the Wild Birds Unlimited store. That way we'd have something in common and something to talk about. 

I wish I could afford the things I want. I thought about going on a trip, but I can't afford my passport. I'd like to go to Europe, but they are protesting tourists right now. Everyone is protesting something these days. How about I protest about the my salary. I've joined Actors Access again. I am pursuing my acting career again. I've gotten a couple of availability calls for background work on Tulsa King, but I guess I wasn't right for the part. I'm not a country western girl. I wish I could afford to get a introduction tape made. The movie I was in last year is coming out this fall. It's an independent film by this young kid. I doubt if it's any good, but I'll go to the premiere. Looks like a sparkly pink jacket occasion. 

I can't sleep tonight. It's 2 am, and I haven't slept a wink. I wish I could just fall asleep and stay asleep. I guess I'll call out again for physical therapy. I haven't been feeling too great in the morning. I'm just so tired all the time. I don't really wake up until 11 am. I try taking a shower to refresh myself and stretching. Sometimes it works, but most of the time I'm just as tired as I was the night before, and that's with my sleep mouthguard in my mouth. 

I lost 3 lbs. since last week. I've increased my dosage of Ozempic. I'm hoping to lose 20 lbs. by this time next month. I'll be down to 196. I've been trying to get some exercise too. I wish I could really workout in the morning, but the thought of it makes me nauseous. It would probably help me feel better. I have a well woman visit next Wednesday. I was kind of looking forward to it, but I hate the pelvic exam. But I do need a mammogram. I missed last year's appointment. I had to cancel it, and never rescheduled it. 

Oh well, I guess that's all. Maybe I can sleep now. I'm tired. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Nobody's Little Girl Anymore

 

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I'm not doing anything but watching old movies. I don't celebrate the day, because like Mother's Day, I don't have a father. He's been dead for 4 years. This week was not a good week. I got angry several times and felt the need to reach out to my dad. Then I realized that my anger was towards my father. I haven't felt that in quite a long time. But there it was. I hated my life and everything about it because my father is not here to talk to. 

Please don't tell me he's always with me in my heart and my memories. This week that would have been met with a big "fuck off." I wanted him here, in the flesh and just a phone call away. I just needed a hug, to feel like I did when I was little. I felt safe and warm and loved. I needed that this week. I didn't get it. I got hugs from Erica, but I initiated it. Still she hugged me back, but it wasn't enough. I wanted to hear my father's voice and hear him call me Tinker. 

It doesn't help that the so-called man in my life is not trying to see me or talk to me. He's always too busy. He's aways sorry, but it doesn't change anything. I sent him a text message saying basically that I didn't fault him for having a busy life, but he had to try harder for me. I don't know if I'm done or not. It makes my heart hurt to think that I met this great guy that checks off all the things on my list, but one. I should have put at the top of the list that my husband will always have time for me. I don't think I was too demanding. I even offered to make the trip to his place to hang out. But, I forgot it was Father's Day weekend, so naturally he'll be with his kids and grandkids. Even still he didn't even suggest a day. I got no response. So, I guess I'm done. I am sad about it. I really like him. 

So what's it like to be an orphan in your 50's. It sucks. It hurts to lose one's parents no matter the age one might be. I don't go to church on the holidays for mothers, fathers or grandparents. I just don't want to hear the sympathy in people's voices or look at the pitying looks on their faces. 

I wish heaven had visiting hours. I'd be there every weekend. Well, in the beginning I would be. I imagine, I wouldn't visit so much after the years that they've been gone. But, boy I would like to visit my parents. They don't visit as much as they used to. I see cardinals outside the window, but they don't stay long. They just come by for the food. Every once in a while, one will look at me for a long time. I know it's one of my parents. I used to look for the stars at night, but I don't see them anymore. They come out more in the winter. Plus, I used to look for them when I smoked, but I don't do that anymore. 

I won't be in church tomorrow when people honor the fathers. It would be like rubbing salt in a papercut. I just don't feel like dealing with the pain. I think I will watch Smokey and the Bandit or the Blues Brothers, as those are 2 of my dad's favorite movies. 

I was going to send David some flowers, but I don't have the money or the inclination. Maybe I'll send him some later. But maybe I should give up. I don't know what to do. Why does life have to be so hard. Maybe I'll win the lottery tonight. I could certainly used $80 million. I just want to get out of this apartment and buy a new car. Our plan for new money management is not working so far because of me. I have no idea what I'm doing. I think I only make around $980 per pay. That's once all the deductions come out. I'll have to see on my next paycheck. Maybe one day, I'll get a full check. I was and hour late this week because of the maintenance man. So, I only worked 39 hours. 

I almost quit my job. I'm bored and frustrated. When I'm bored I get easily distracted. I told my supervisor that I wanted the appeals specialist position but know I don't qualify. He said to give him 6 months of hitting my metrics and he'll put me on track to make it happen. I guess I'm not getting my level 2 anytime soon. I've been actively applying for other jobs, but nothing is happening. My resume looks good to me, but I guess it sucks. Oh well, that would make sense. Everything sucks right now. Not me, I'm still fabulous. lol 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Bitter Pills to Swallow

 

I forgot to take my meds yesterday morning. As a result, I was cranky, emotional and didn't give a flying fuck about my job. I honestly though about just quitting yesterday. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I've been sending out resumes, but haven't gotten any responses. The job I really want as a medical claims examiner for Cigna is going to be a few more weeks before I hear anything. I'm hoping I can hold out until then. The past few days, I have been really hating my job. Of course, I felt this way one day last week also. I forgot to take my meds one day last week. Callers have been getting on my last nerve. So, I guess my meds are keeping me on an even keel. Without them, I turn into a bitch of major proportions. 

I haven't talk to David in a few days. Mainly because he is too busy for me. I'm very disappointed. He check off all my boxes. Unfortunately, I forgot a box: My husband will make time for me. I feel that if a person wants to be in your life, he will make the time. There is no such thing as too busy. Besides disappointed, I feel a little bit perturbed. I mean if you don't have the time to date, why go on a dating sight. The other day, I offered to come down to see him on Sunday. I got no response. I eventually said never mind because I forgot Sunday is Father's Day. He'll be with his kids no doubt. Again, too busy for me. Am I the asshole here? We've been talking for a month now. Is it unreasonable to think it is definitely time for us to meet. All I'm asking for is a cup of coffee and some conversation, which he says he wants also. But evidently, I'm the only one willing to make time. Oh well. I'll text him on Father's Day, I guess. I was going to send him flowers, but I changed my mind. It would be me making the effort again. I decided that if I keep at him, I will be giving off an air of desperation. 

I suppose, I will need to reactivate my dating profile and try again. It's kind of sad. I'm still getting married next year, I just need to find the right man. Oh well, it was fun. Then again, I'm not sure I should give up just yet. All those boxes. 

My money situation isn't any better. I got paid and it's gone already. I wasn't able to send Erica the money. I had to pay a $350 bill that was past due. I'm not paying anyone shit next month accept giving money for rent. I have about $100 to my name and I still have to buy food. I wish I could just have someone give me an allowance and let them pay my bills. On paper I should have money. I need a clean slate. I swear, they should teach a class called Adulting 101 that teaches activities of daily living, household budgeting, and basic car and home repair. I know I would have taken it. If I had learned budgeting and financial responsibility, I wouldn't keep getting into these financial messes. 

I did take my meds today. All 7 medicines and 6 supplements. Hopefully today will be better. It should be, because I'm in training from 12-3, and then a meeting from 3-4:15. Then I have lunch until 5. So in total, I'll be on the phone for about 4.5 hours. I hope it's slow. I bombed my quality this week. I hate the stupid script I have to follow. I'm always forgetting something. I don't know who came up with the quality scorecard, but it's bullshit. I hate our systems. They are so old, and half the time they don't work right. 

Well, I guess this is it. I'm feeling a little bit better. Zelda has parked herself between me and my keyboard. She's fast asleep. I may take a little cat nap myself. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hell has Frozen Over Again!!!!

 

I don't believe it! I honestly do not believe it. We had another budget discussion. Yes, I was the center of it again and my money woes and my not working for a few days last week. But, you'll never guess what was decided, because I'm still having a hard time comprehending it. 

It has been decided that we are going to all contribute to the household bills. That's right, ALL of us are going to contribute to the rent, car insurance and electric bill. Why weren't we doing this before? That's simple. I had my social security to pay the rent before, now I don't. They actually had to pay the rent this month because I didn't have the money. 

It works out to a contribution of $661 per pay period or $1322 per month. Which mathematically leaves me with about $1300 to pay my other bills. Of course, that means I have to force myself to work even when I don't feel well. I missed 2 days of work last week due to migraines. I got some new medicine to help with them. It as needed, so we'll see this week. Watch, I probably won't get a single headache this week. Which is fine with me. I had a nosebleed with one of them. I'd rather not go through that again. However, it does put some pressure on me. I have to be at work everyday for the next month to build up some PTO, I don't see how some people do it. This job is so frustrating. It's also BORING. All I do is verify benefits for providers. Every now and again someone calls about a claim, but I've ended up transferring it, because the need to resubmit with information or it's a COB issue. I'm just a level 1 still, so it's level 2 work. I'm not even trying to do level 2 work because I'm not getting paid for it. I'm at the point now where I just do what I need to do. 

I don't know why it's taken so long for them to come up with the idea of having a common account to pay all the bills. Especially since I have been accused of misappropriation in the past. I was paying my bills with my money and asking for help with the rent, but nobody listed to me. Now all of a sudden it's a good idea?! In addition, I'm not in charge of the common account which I like. Erica is going to do it. I gave her the info to access the online accounts for everything. If this works out, I'll be able to payoff my other bills without help from Jerald. I sent him my information last week for him to look over, but he hasn't gotten back to me yet. I have to let him know about this economic summit meeting. 

So, it seems that hell hath frozen over for the second time this year regarding Erica. First, she reconciles with her father, and now she's taking over the household finances. Things are happening it's almost scary. Of course, this time next year, I won't be here. I plan on getting married. I don't know if it's to David, yet, but I know I'm not living here. I may just pack up my shit and go. I think I'm finally ready to fly out of the nest. 

I still have the social security office to deal with. I appealed their decision, but I haven't heard anything yet. I may have to go back on disability if this migraine crap doesn't settle down. I may need to find a different doctor. 

Things with David are going well. We facetime now. I'm still asking questions. I found a list of question online. But, I've already asked a lot of questions which we discussed. We talked about religion yesterday. He's not religious but he does believe in Jesus. He doesn't go to church every Sunday. He attends a Pentecostal church. He doesn't believe in labels. So my being catholic is of no consequence to him. It is a little disappointing. I did want to be married in the church, literally and figuratively. But, I'll be married at a different place. I'm making plans just in case. But, I had a flash that I'd be getting married at city hall and having a dinner party later. I'm still getting my dress. That I will not compromise on that. 

Oh well, another week has begun. I haven't done a thing this weekend. I even missed Mass. I took my shower at 10:30. I was sleepy this morning. I know that's no excuse but I knew I'd go and not pay attention. I do need to pray, so I will. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Parade of Migraines

 

About 6 months ago, I started having migraines. I had never had a migraine until then. I've had headaches, but nothing like this. I have vestibular migraines. I have normal migraine pai, but I also have ear pain and pressure. The migraine makes me sensitive to light and loud noises. I have to lay down with an ice pack on my head in a darkened room with no noise. I usually turn on the fan for some white noise. 

No one can tell me where these headaches originate or what triggers them. I just now that they started when I started experiencing vertigo. That was also 6 months ago. I have had a migraine 3 times this week. I take my medicine, but they still come. I don't know what else to do. My doctor gave me a list of foods to avoid which may trigger migraines, and gave me the name of a supplement formulated for migraine relief.  

I did call my neurologist, but I can't get in for a month or so. I have an appointment on 7/22. I have to call on Monday to see if there are any cancellations. I can't do this anymore. I thought the vertigo was bad, but this is by far worse. These headaches are debilitating. I can't see straight. my ears get clogged and it's affecting my speech patterns. Sometimes words on a page get jumbled. I told all this to the doctor, and apparently it's not uncommon. 

Needless to say, I have missed work because of it. I applied for a claims examiner job today. It's with Cigna, and it is just what I am looking for. I really hope to hear from them. This job at Delta is getting to me. I have no passion for it at the moment. I liked my old team better. Now, all I do is take provider calls, and I don't like it. I'm still trying to get my level 2. 

I wish someone would tell me something, I'm so tired of getting sick. My relationship with David is moving forward. We have progressed to talking 3 or more times per day including face time. We plan on a beach weekend trip next weekend. I told him I picked our wedding date, he said it was kay with him. He is my man, and I am his woman. We have a lot in common. I think this is it. Of course, I'm not in love, but I'm in serious like, and a little lust. I manifested him, and he came. I am manifesting my wedding. I have a list of things I like. I have a folder title 4/4/2026. That's the date. It's my mom's birthday. I figured since she is gone, I will honor her by making her birthday my anniversary. 

I am sending David some flowers for Father's Day. It's funny, but I'm the talkative one in our relationship. I find him so easy to talk to. I feel very comfortable and safe. That's unusual for me. Usually, I am more fearful, but that was a few years ago. I love myself a lot now, and I know what I want. So far, David checks off all the boxes. He is everything I want. 

Well, that's all for now. Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The List

 

I've decided that I want to be married. Hence my foray into the dating scene. I mentioned before that I had met someone. Well, not really met yet, but talking on the phone for about 3 weeks now. He was supposed to call me tonight when he got home. That was 2 hours ago. The last time this happened, all hell had broken loose at his house. I can only imagine what happened tonight. In any event, I am only slightly perturbed. I guess I'll try calling him tomorrow morning. He's up at 2 am for his work out. He's in bed by the time I get off work. 

I did explain that he would need to carve out sometime for me. I need attention. I need to be encouraged, supported and touched. I am a very affectionate person, so when we finally meet I expect hugs. Right now, I'm just trying to get some face time. That was suggested to me today, that we should Facetime each other. 

I am seeing Stephanie again as my therapist. She was my therapist for 2 years, but I left because I wanted in-person therapy sessions. It went okay, but it was kind of inconvenient because Diane was all the way across town. So, I contacted Dr. Peters and it was like getting in touch with an old friend. We talked for over an hour. I told her what I had been up to and what my plans were. All in all, I am doing 1000 times better than when I last saw her. She gave me an assignment; to make a list of what I wanted from my husband. So, I made a list of what I want my husband to be and what I will give in return. It's nothing outrageous on unattainable. Will David check off everything, I don't know. But this is what I want. 

 My Husband.....                                   As a Wife.....

will be spiritual                                    I will be Godly

will be intelligent                                 I will engage in meaningful conversations

will have a sense of humor                  I will be light-hearted

will be taller than me                           I will keep in shape

will be handsome                                 I will always try to look my best

will love animals                                 I will welcome his animals

Will be a good cook                            I will learn to cook better

will be neat and tidy                           I will keep a clean house 

will be a good provider                      I will learn to budget my money

will love to cuddle                              I will be affectionate

will be honest                                     I will be truthful

will be patient                                    I will manage my emotions 

will be encouraging                           I will be positive

will love family                                 I will be welcoming 

will love to slow dance                     I will be ready to dance anytime

will be a good lover                          I will make sure we are both satisfied

will be gentle                                    I will be non-judgmental  

 will like to travel                             I will be passport ready

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: In Memoriam

 

Today is Memorial Day, the last Monday in May. It is a day when the United States pauses to reflect and remember the fallen heroes of our nation. It's not a happy day, but it has turned into a day of picnics and barbeques and pool parties. It the unofficial start of summer. It's also a federal holiday so most of us have the day off. 

I had hoped for a more positive weekend. I mentioned that I had been talking to a man named David. We talked last weekend about getting together today and doing something together, but that has not come to pass. In fact, I only got one text from him saying that he missed my call because he was busy with yardwork. I am now of the feeling that he does not wish to see me. Either that or his home has a yard like the gardens of Versailles. It brought up an old feeling. A feeling of rejection. When that feeling popped up, it also brought forth an image in my head. The image of a tired, depressed woman that secluded herself in a dark room afraid of the world dreaming of being in love. The old image of me. 

I studied her for a minute, and then I shut the door. I'm not that woman anymore. While I am tired, I'm not soul tired. I'm no longer a crushed, depressed person. I have my blue moments like a normal person now. I do not reject the world but embrace it. I have a positive message to spread to anyone who will listen. a message of survival, a message of hope, a message of love. You see, that other version of me hated herself and the life she was living, if you can call it that. I was merely existing. Many times I tried to snuff out that existence. But I survived and found a pretty wonderful person on the other side. 

I don't really dream of being in love anymore. I dream of sharing my love with another person and building a life together. There isn't a prince charming riding toward me to rescue me from my dire world, but a good solid man who wants to grow with me. I am a treasure waiting to be discovered and I will reveal myself to that man when he presents himself. 

Now, I have talked to several men, but they don't fit the bill for one reason or another. Most of the time it's because I had to chase them. I'm not a cop. I'm not chasing you around town to talk to you. If you want to be with me you will carve out the time to make me a priority in your life. If not, just say so and I will move on. So, far David and I were talking pretty well, but this weekend something changed. So, I guess I'm done. I will move onto the next person of interest to see if he is the one to peak my curiosity. 

Fortunately, I have not allowed my imagination to run wild and fallen in love. I now realize what love is, and how it should feel. Love should not make you feel panic or sad or guilt. Love should make you feel whole and good.

It's a good thing I learned from my mistakes, because the other me would have collapsed into misery and despair. I would have questioned my looks, my personality and my overall desirability. I would have turned myself into a monster in my mind's eye. A person so ugly on the inside that no one would have possibly wanted such a damaged, unlovable creature. However, I sad goodbye to her. I realized today that I never really gave her the proper send off. I never buried her. So I will do that today. 

To you, Beverly, the girl that hated her name. I want to say goodbye. There are a few things you should know before I close you off. You were so wrong about yourself. You were wanted. You were a surprise, but never doubt for a moment that you were wanted. You were your parent's doting daughter. The one who gave them joy and laughter. The one who listened and learned. You were a daddy's girl and your mother's friend. Also, look at yourself in pictures and in the mirror. You're beautiful. Your eyes large and deep. Your sweetheart mouth always ready to smile. People like you, they love your voice and the way you speak. You are intelligent and funny. You have so much to offer. You love the Lord and recognize finally that He loves you and will never leave you. You are His, and He lives deep within you. He has a plan for you, for your life. It involves the giving and receiving of love. You finally know what you want, and you have the strength to go for it. 

With that, I close the lid. I am ready to let you go to think of you know more. Although I'm sure you will try to raise your head again, you will not be able to shriek out in misery anymore. I've learned not to do that. So, goodbye Beverly. Hello, Bev. Enjoy your life. Congratulations on your success. I'm not going to miss you. 

Peace - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Quest for Peace

 

Well, it's a 3 day weekend. I was excited about it until it actually got here. I did nothing yesterday. I was up for most of the night, finally falling asleep around 2:30 or was it 3 am. I don't remember. I woke up at 8:20 and fed the cats. I ate my breakfast and fell asleep on the couch. 

I was all set for a pleasant weekend and my stupid sister barked at me for no reason. Didn't say good morning or anything. She was just like, well, a bitch. They take for granted the fact that I wake up early, especially on the weekends. The cats eat around 6:30 to 7 am during the week. So, naturally, they want to eat at the same time on Saturday and Sunday. Since I get up first, I feed them. I also usually walk the dog, because Erica will sleep until 10 am, and he normally goes out at 7:30 am. However, if I don't do these things, they get upset with me. 

The fact that I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night doesn't matter to them. They fall asleep right away. It takes me a while to fall asleep, even though I take 300 mg of trazadone. I was tired, so I took a little nap this afternoon. They went to the movies, so I went to bed at 9:30 and slept until 11:30 but I woke up hungry so I got a bowl of cereal. Then my back started hurting. I took the last of my muscle relaxers before going to bed, so I'm just stuck with this pain. I popped 4 ibuprofen tablets about a half hour ago. I hope it works. I'd like to get some more sleep. 

I swear, going to sleep is like a quest for a long lost treasure. I have to go through a ritual to wind down. I have to wash my face, braid my hair and then watch my wind down show and fall asleep. I've tried falling asleep without the TV, but my brain starts to fire up the imagination machine. It starts to run a million miles per hour and I can't relax. The TV, particularly, Everybody Loves Raymond, helps me focus believe it or not. I read an article that said people who watch the same shows over and over suffer from anxiety and use the show as a way to relax because they know the outcome. I find this to be true. It's the same reason I watch the same movies over and over. 

I can only watch new movies during the day so I have time to process the information. I can't watch a new show or movie at night because it causes me to have dreams, sometimes not so pleasant. I also can't watch thrillers or psychological movies before bed. Basically, I can't watch anything that causes me to think because it causes anxiety and nightmares. Lately, my nightmares have caused my sleep apnea to act up. I wake up struggling to breath. 

I think the ibuprofen is kicking in finally. I'm getting sleepy again. Think I'll try to go to bed again. Wish me luck. I made an appointment with a new therapist for yesterday afternoon, but she didn't show. She said that the site must have had a glitch, but I'm like whatever. At any rate, I found availability with a former therapist, so I booked an appointment with her for Thursday morning at 9 am. I hope I make it. I prefer my appointments on the weekends, but I'm giving platelets on the 31st. That's a 2 to 3 hour ordeal. I may cancel it. I don't know. I didn't like it, it's not like giving blood which only takes 10 minutes. However, I want to help people, and there is an emergency platelet shortage. I consider it my monthly charitable donation along with ASPCA and Heifer International. Oh well, I'm out. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Bebe  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Insomnia and Me

 

As you can see this post comes in the wee hours of the morning. After trying for several hours, I have given up on my quest for sleep. This is the 2nd night this week for which sleep escapes me. I wish I could say I don't know why this is happening, but I do. It's my old friend Anxiety. She decided to stay over for a while. 

How do I know it's anxiety? That's easy, I chewed up a bag of bubblegum in 2 days and I'm stress eating. If I still smoked, I'd be chaining. I ate a bunch of food around midnight. It wasn't junk food. I had a bowl of cereal and a banana. Then I ate a breakfast biscuit. I would have eaten a bag of chips if I had any. I didn't buy any junk food because I am trying to improve my eating habits. So far this week I've done pretty well. I actually been cooking and even having vegetables. 

I still don't know why I have so much anxiety. I suspect it's the job. It's boring. I speak to providers all day. I'm not taking calls from members yet. I suppose I should be glad of that. However, all of my calls are the same. I just verify benefits. I try to make it interesting, but I can't really get too deep because I'm just a level 1. If I ask questions on the team chat about something complicated, I'm told to transfer to a level 2. I still research the issue on my own time. However, there are times I'm glad I get to transfer it to someone else. I kind of like the calls where the provider can't find a member. I get to ask questions and research the person to see if they're in the system. 

I'm still missing things on quality. The damn self service referral is kicking my ass. I try to incorporate into my regular verbiage, but it just doesn't flow. I have a sticky note on my computer to remind me. Sometimes, I don't get to everything because I forget that I am the one who controls the pace of the call. This is especially true of third party callers. Most of them are from a foreigner, especially those from India. I don't understand them half the time, and they either talk too fast or mumble. I have learned to make them wait. I have to ask them to repeat themselves often. Some of them get frustrated. At times they have hung up on me, but fuck them. 

I try not to get discouraged, but at around 3 pm, my enthusiasm for my job wanes. I am pretty chipper in the morning. But by the time my lunch hour rolls around I couldn't really give a good goddamn. Today, I did a lot at lunch. I folded my laundry and put the dishes away. I took Kyber for a walk and still had time to eat my salad and watch a little TV. I'm trying not to sleep so much. Tomorrow, I'll probably have a cat nap. I don't have anything to fix for lunch. I'll have yogurt for midmorning snack. Since I already ate my cereal, maybe I'll have the last egg, bacon and toast. I bought some really good 12 grain bread. It's quite hearty. It makes a good sandwich. I could make tuna salad for lunch, but I don't think I have enough mayo. I'll have to check. 

My shoulder started burning again the other day. Is it possible to tear your rotator cuff twice? I see the doctor for what is supposed to be my discharge visit on June 10th. However, I have a bad feeling. I can lift my arm, but it hurts. I wouldn't care too much if it was just stiff or creaky, but it's really burning especially today. I had to put a lidocaine patch on it. 

I had scheduled some time off in June, but I had to cancel it because I don't have a PTO hours. I thought I'd be able to borrow them like I've done before, but my new supervisor doesn't do that. Also, I've been getting notices from Workforce Management about my adherence. Someone has been sending in system issue note indicating I'm not signed in for hours. I don't understand it, because I'm signed into the cloud at my start time of 11:20 until I sign off at 8 pm. I have to get to the bottom of it, because that's messing with my bonus money. I sent him an email about it, but I haven't heard anything yet. 

Things with David are going well. We talk here and there during the week because we both have busy schedules. He's a personal trainer and his first appointment is in the morning around 7:30 am. He was on his way to his last session tonight at 8:30 pm. I asked him if he normally worked that late, he said not usually, but he's expensive so he tries to accommodate his clients. He like the fact that I'm so much shorter than he is. I hope he doesn't mind my being a chubster. I can't really help it, except for my binge eating. I am limited in my activities due to my ankle, leg and back injuries. But once I get back to physical therapy I'm going to do strength training and figure out some kind of cardio I can do to burn some sugar and fat. 

I can't believe that he doesn't mind my illnesses. I told him about my diabetes, my bipolar, and my other things and he said he didn't hear anything to change his mind about me. He said his deal breaker is lying. Which is a good thing I'm pretty honest. I don't lie too often, except to April and Erica. Those are more sins of omission. But I'll admit that I have outright lied to them about taking time off. However, that has to stop, since I can't rely on my social security anymore, I have to go to work everyday, which I hate. I need at least 2 vacation days a month to keep from going bonkers. But now that I don't have any PTO built up right now, I'm stuck. I'm going to try to save up my PTO so I can do something special for my birthday. Hell, I'm still trying to get to Savannah. Maybe if things keep going well with David, he'll take me somewhere for a weekend. Did I mention he's 6'4" and very good looking? Well he is. He'll probably break me. I need to see my gynecologist. The last time I had sex, I had a tear and ended up bleeding. I have to make sure everything is cool down there and get some kind of lubricant or something. I can't believe how dry I am. Menopause bites. 

Well, I suppose I should sign off and try to get a couple hour of sleep. I'll talk atcha later. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B