Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Wrap Up 2024

 

Well, I remember a little about my last post. I think I was much more optimistic about things, but as usual things hit the crapper. I wrote back in June, when I made a sincere commitment to pursue some kind of acting career or work better at my job, but that never came to fruition. My fear of the world continues and I still haven't gone to church, taken any acting lessons, or art lessons. 

Here it is the end of the year, and I have accomplished nothing. I was in the hospital for rotator cuff surgery. I'm still in physical therapy. I hate every minute of it. My shoulder still hurts but that's just the story of my life. My leg hurts from 2012. 

I also had another bout of hyperglycemia. My sugar was up near 1000. I was in critical condition for 4 days. I was incontinent for 2 weeks. I hate having diabetes. I hate having bipolar. My depression is steady on the track. 

I have no motivation, no sense of belonging, nothing wanted or desired. So, I will Wish you Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I'm going to sign off for now, and maybe check in with my wishes for the New Year. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Isn't it Time?

 

I have come out of a week in the pit. I slipped and fell down the rabbit hole yet again. I felt it coming per usual, but I was too tired to stop it. I was fed up with life and just pulled the blankets over my head and went to sleep for a few days. Things did get a little serious. I would drift off in traffic. I started to think about how no one really needed me, and how I really hated my existence. It's all stuff I've felt before, nothing I couldn't get through just I had done previously. 

This time though, something clicked in my head. I was standing in the shower. As I let the water pound on my back, I thought, this is it, I'm done. As I dried myself off, I thought about about the one thing I hated about my life most of all. That was a simple answer. I hated my job. I mean working in corporate America in any capacity. I was tired of having to satisfy quality, calls per hour and average call time, after call work time and all the other stupid metrics I have to meet. I'm tired of talking to the people about their policies. This is not a life. This work does not let me express my creativity. I can't continue to let my mind turn to mush. I've had it. 

I wanted something that stimulated my mind, where I'd be happy to face each morning with new energy. So, I've gone back to my acting classes. I'm getting serious about pursuing the dream of being a full time entertainment professional. First of all, I'm going to look for a job in the industry, maybe a PA. I'm not exactly sure how to do that, but I'll figure it out. Just to be on set will be a blast. I know it's a long shot, but I'm hoping to parlay that into an acting job somehow. 

I know this probably sounds like the rambling of a crazy lady. It's not though, it's the woman of a particular age who is making her statement about the rest of her life. I've had a lot of dreams that have gone by the wayside, mainly because my illness has gotten in the way. But, I am a creative person, an artist. As it stands, most artists are a little crazy anyway. Artists don't work 9-5, or sleep regular hours. True artists create in the middle of the night, the wee hours of the morning and are just going out when the 9-5 world is coming home to settle into an evening of dinner and TV. I belong in that world. Of course, I know I need to make a living. That's why I'm on a journey to find an industry job. I know it won't be easy, it will be hard work and I'll have bad days. But, I had a goal, not just a dream and I think it's time to go for it. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Doctor Will See You Now

 

Well, the verdict is in for now. After spending the past 2 months trotting from one doctor to another, there is nothing wrong with my back that anyone can see on my MRI and CT scan reports. 

However, there is something there. I can feel it. I'm sitting on it. It causes pressure and pain in my leg at night when I lay down. No matter what position I'm in, my leg goes numb and my foot as well. I'm very depressed about the whole thing. I honestly think that they didn't scan the right place. They didn't go below my sacrum and that's seems to the area of origination. 

The doctor didn't exam me, I just had x-rays and the imaging. The doctor recommended that I reach out to the surgeon that did my original spinal fusion. I couldn't remember his name at first, but I found him. I sent a request for an appointment on Friday. I'm just waiting to hear back from them. 

In the meantime, I'm just in pain. I have left shoulder pain that's more worse than when I first sought treatment. I'm having another MRI in a few weeks. It's like I just get shuffled off to get stuck into a machine. I think I really tore my shoulder the other day. I was bending over to pick up over something off the floor, and felt a burning sensation in my shoulder. 

I'm getting breakout pain from my back and shoulder. I'm lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep. I'm tired. I can see how chronic pain suffers get addicted to painkillers then heroin. It's difficult to live like this. I wish I didn't have to anymore. I'm going to see the neurosurgeon and that's it. After that, I'll just be tired I guess. Maybe I'll try an acupuncturist. Who knows anymore? 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: This Crowded Room

 

Well, I have calmed down from my rant of my last post. I talked to my therapist. She said I need to express myself to April and Erica about how a messy house affects me. Did they understand? Not really, I just got looks. Erica is cleaning her area today, while once again my sister is on the couch scrolling through TikTok. I think I'll just give up and call it a day. It's rather fruitless anyway. They look at me like I'm crazy, and I end up feeling guilty. The thing is, I end up cleaning anyway, just because it makes me so anxious. Take this morning for instance, I cleaned up the kitchen. It's sort of become my job to clean up the kitchen in the mornings, clean the litter box, and load the dishwasher. Erica used to clean the litter box, but since she is so slow to do it, I do it, because it upsets the cats to have a full litter box. Zaybra will go outside the litter box if it's not clean. So, I clean it at least once a day. 

Now that my anger has simmered down, I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts. I really need some friends. In an effort to expand my horizons, I accepted a friend request on Facebook. It started out well enough, but then he's like, I'm a maritime engineer on an oil rig, you're so beautiful, blah blah. Just another romance scammer. I'll have to block him. Truth be told, I just want a sexual partner. I'm not even interested in romance at this point. The guy I want doesn't exist. Ok, maybe Lenny Kravitz or Keanu Reeves, but that's it. Let's face it, my chances of meeting either of them is only better than having a baby. We all know that's not going to happen. 

I started getting the urge to decorate. I bought a couple of prints for my bedroom wall, and I think I'll get one more. I ordered some pillow covers for the living room. The pillows on there now are so incredibly ugly. I also bought myself some new towels. They are a bright apple green. I got some rainbow striped hand towels to go with them. I like them a lot. The bathroom is probably my favorite room, because it's bright and cheery. Of course, all their crap is everywhere. Especially Erica's stuff. She's in there cleaning it up right now. Her excuse for her behavior is that she has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum. I guess I could try and be more understanding, but she doesn't try to keep herself organized, and there are just piles of stuff everywhere. 

Sometimes, if I'm home alone, and I see a pile of her dirty laundry on the floor, I'll wash it. My sister is much more tidy. However, she has taken over the closet. But she does her own laundry and everything. I wouldn't dare touch her stuff. It is verboten. 

Well, I'm listening to some music and waiting to wash my hair. I bought some hair color, but I don't know if I want to do it today. I should go get a mani-pedi, but I just did my nails yesterday. My toes look okay, I guess. It's not like someone's going to look at them and say "oh my gosh, you do your own toes, don't you?!!!" 

Well, the week in the office was fun. It was nice to be on sight with everyone. It was exhausting, though. Getting up early everyday to take Erica to work and then going to doctor appointments. I get home at 8:30 pm eat dinner and climb into my bed. I've been having some excruciating back and leg pain. I didn't do anything to it, it just hurts. I had an MRI on Thursday, and I have a CAT scan on the 31st. The doctor did a x-ray, but didn't see anything wrong with my fusion. So, I'm not sure exactly what he's looking for, but all symptoms point to a spinal or vertebral tumor. OK, so I may be catastrophizing, but I don't know what else it could be. It's definitely nerve related, not muscle related. So, I'll guess I'll have to wait and see. 

Zelda, is telling me it's time to get off the computer, so I guess I'll sign off. I'll go wash my hair now. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Cinderella, Housekeeper

 

Ok, So this isn't about anything in particular. I suppose you can say it's a rant. I'm just venting. Although, I must admit, there is a bit of paranoia slipping in again. This weekend, I did a lot of cleaning. Which is something I normally don't mind. But, I am getting a little tired of being the only one who does it. 

April and Erica spend most of their time on the goddamn TikTok and talking about stupid shit. My sister literally sits on the couch all weekend, unless we go out somewhere. Yesterday morning, I got up cleaned the kitty litter, took my car in for service, and went to Walmart. These 2 clowns were still in there pajamas. Okay, Erica was wearing clothes, but that's only because I didn't take the dog out before I left. I had time to do it, and feed them but I was like, fuck it, I ain't doing it. Let them do their own shit. 

I usually do things on the weekend because I tell myself that they are tired from working all week. But, stop, wait a fucking goddamn minute. I work too! Nobody makes a move to make things easier for me. The only thing April does on the weekend is make Sunday breakfast. But guess who cleans up the fucking kitchen? Me!!!! If I don't do, it will sit there all damn day. 

I just finished sweeping the floor, because no one else does it. I know this apartment isn't all that great, but still, I would like it to look presentable. I even took the time to put a few decorations on my side of the bedroom. I just want it to be cheerful, is that a fucking crime. No, but those 2 would rather wallow in the fact that we live in a very small apartment, and they don't have the old place anymore. We'll be here a year in October, and I would love to move to a bigger place, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I'm still trying to save money. I finally figured out how to pay my bills and have some spending money, but they only think about themselves 99% of the time. 

Yesterday, after we went shopping, we went for brunch. I paid for it. Did those 2 even mention giving me money for it? Of course not. Later, when it was time for dinner, they ordered out. Did anyone ask me if I wanted anything? Well, for fuck sake, that would be too much like right! I had a grilled cheese sandwich. Not that I wanted tacos anyway, but Jesus H. Christ, at least ask me. 

Times like this, I feel like, just get the fuck out, I pay the rent, electricity and car insurance. I can certainly afford to live on my own. I even buy my own food. Sometimes, I even pay for their food. I get $600 measly from them for rent. It should be more like $800-900 but I just let it go. It seems like whenever I ask a question or make an observation, April looks at me with utter disdain. Sometimes, I want to punch her smack in her face. Erica is just as selfish. Although, she does buy me Starbucks when I take her to work. 

Then there's the fact that neither Erica or her brother talk to me about anything going on in their lives, which really pisses me off because I was more like a mom to them when they were growing up. But fuck it, fuck them, fuck it all. I'm done

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Spinning on the Mood Cycle

 

Whoa! My mood has really been swinging the past day and half. First dark, now light. In fact it's so light, I'm blinded. I don't know what's happening to me. I have to talk to my doctor, yet again. I just spoke to her on the 13th, and everything was somewhat stable, but now I am spinning all over the place. Unfortunately, it sounds like another medication adjustment. 

Last week, I spent 2 days just puttering around the house. The thought of working was repugnant. So, I took some time off and did some self care to improve my mood. I did my hair, my nails and started wearing makeup. Nothing big, just eyeliner, mascara, a little eyeshadow and lip gloss. I must admit I felt better. But it seems that was just the beginning of this high I'm on now. 

Last night I got 3 hours of sleep. I was up until 4 and woke up at 7:15 am. Now, I am wired and have that weird grinding feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I'm manic. I channeled all that energy into housework of course, and scrubbed the bathroom down. Washed all my clothes and linens, changed the bed and took the dog for a long walk. I'd like to say I'm exhausted, but I'm not. I even tried to laydown and take a cat nap, but I just laid there quietly for a half hour. 

I'm out of Trazadone, and I won't be able to get my refill until tomorrow at the earliest. It's going to be a long night. I will probably be up until 4 am again. Maybe I can get Erica to give me one of her pills. I'm also hot. I got from hot to cold and back again. When I'm not doing anything, I'm cold, as soon as I start to move I'm hot. Before you suggest it, there's nothing wrong with my thyroid. I've had it tested numerous times. 

Thursday night I had the satanic nightmares. I thought those were long gone, but low and behold, I had one. The devil's minions were trying to chain me to a bed in hell. I kept fighting and screaming. Finally I broke free and went running down a long dark hallway. Apparently, when I have these dreams I kick a lot, and my poor cat, Zelda goes flying across the room. I've been exercising more like everyone says to encourage good sleep, but sometimes it makes my back or leg hurt and I can't sleep. On those nights, I sleep on the couch. It provides a little more support than my bed. I'm still sleeping on an air mattress. I'm expecting my state tax refund very soon, and I'm going to be purchasing a real bed. 

I've been doing a little thinking and tracking of my moods for the past few months. Along with everything else that's going on with me emotionally, I think I've actually been suffering from the symptoms of PMS around the 22nd of the month. It's the same symptoms as when I had a period, except no bloating, cramps or bleeding. I get irritable, I get depressed, and very, very fatigued. It's almost as if I still have a period. I guess I'll have to do some digging to find out what happens in post menopausal women. I know that the week before my period, I used to get hypersexual. It was like I was looking to breed, in heat as it were. I still get that way, I have sex dreams, and usually masturbate at least once that week. I don't do it that often anymore. I'm so dry it's no fun. I tell you if I do ever have sex again, I'll need those suppositories. 

Right now, I'm hungry tired and hyped up all at the same time. This is definitely not a day or week to make decisions or spend money. Although, I just did spend $3.00 for a new ringtone which I didn't need. I've had Bittersweet Symphony for a while, I changed it to Soulful Strut. 

I made some shrimp alfredo last night. It's awful. I have to eat at least one more meal and maybe lunch since there is so much of it. I didn't have enough linguini, so I used spaghetti. Actually, it was angel hair pasta, which doesn't have enough body. I also didn't have enough money for the good sauce. I had to doctor it up, but when I served my self, I used too much salt. I choked it down though. The shrimp was previously frozen and came out tough. I wish I had some garlic bread. There's some salmon in the freezer, but I don't think I'll eat it. But then again, I don't have any food for dinner this week. I get paid on Wednesday, but everything goes to rent since I got a little too friendly with Amazon the past 2 weeks. 

That's another thing I do when I'm manic. I spend too much money. I'll be looking at something, and just go "Fuck it" and next thing you know it's a purchase. Usually, it's a purchase that could have waited, or I didn't need in the first place. Then I feel guilty about spending the money, chastise myself and feel shame and depression sets in. I tell you, this is not a fun thing. I'm trying to get to a level 2 which pays $20.50 per hour, which is almost $40k a year. But, my boss told me I need at least one more month f consistent quality and more self confidence in order to take the class. 

The irony is, I'm fantastic in a classroom. Always have been. But there are things that come up from time to time on the phones that I haven't dealt with before, so I ask questions. However, if I am to believe my boss, she's instructed my coordinator not to answer my question right away, to see if I can figure it out myself. Which I usually do. Of course, there are some things that are total guesstimates on my part, but I stick with it because it makes sense to me. Besides, I've made notes and a phone script for my job which has helped me a lot. 

I have to be in the office the whole week of May 20th, as does everyone. That will be interesting. I have my little desk all set up, so I hope I get to stay where I am. In all honesty, if Erica had a car, I would go to the office everyday except Friday. I like it there. I don't have the need to have TV on in the background like I do at home. I like to hear everyone else talking. Plus I wouldn't have all the noise that April and Erica make when they come home. 

I'm taking 1/2 day on Wednesday and a full day off on Thursday. I have to see the retina specialist on Wednesday and my physical and dental appointments are on Thursday. I'm getting 2 crowns. I'm trying to avoid dentures and implants at all cost. I can't afford them and don't want to buy Polident denture cleaner. Implants sound incredibly painful to me. Plus it takes too long. I'm trying to keep the teeth I have. One crown has to be replaced, and one tooth has a big filling on it that is leaking, whatever that means. 

Okay, I think that's everything. I've ramble on and on, but I'm not sure I made a point. 

Take of this what you will

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Coming Out of the Dark

 

Well, the past few days have been dark for me. I'm not really sure why, but I think it has to do with the fact that I am lonely. I long for the touch of another human. Talking online is fine, but I need a hug once in a while. My body is actually starving for it. 

It started on Saturday. I was supposed to go to a skating party with some people from work. I was really looking forward to it. But when I go there the place looked run down and janky. I got there on time, but had to wait for 45 minutes until someone showed up from work. Of course, by that time my anxiety reared it's ugly head and I ended up leaving without going in. 

This was my second attempt at being social and it failed. I had wanted to volunteer with the Atlanta Food Bank, but I got all discombobulated driving in the city and couldn't find it, and parking was expensive. So, I just ended up driving home. That was my first attempt. I thought I do something for my community and be social, but no go. The second attempt was the skating thing. I am so ashamed of myself, and feel so bad that I couldn't accomplish my goal. 

Thirdly, I decided that I wanted to stop smoking. I lasted a whole 48 hours before caving in and buying a pack of cigarettes. Another failure, more shame. 

I got a life coach on this program they have at work. I'm trying to get more support to stop smoking and manage my weight. I managed to put on another 6 pounds from my week long smoke free existence. That was a few weeks ago. As a result, I ate everything to satisfy my oral fixation. It didn't work, and now I'm back up to 220 pounds. About 2 months ago I was 199 pounds. I'm going to speak to my endocrinologist about getting back on Ozempic. It worked well. 

I also have to get off my ass and start walking more. I got a fitness watch. So, I've been tracking my steps. My daily goal is 3000. I've only met it once. I got 4500 steps in last Saturday. I took a walk to Starbucks. It's about a mile or so up the road. 

So, you know, I know perfectly well how to pull myself out of dark places. It just talks so much effort. I just don't understand why I can't just do things like most people. I have to switch my whole mindset if I want to do even the slightest thing. I have talk myself into bathing. I have to get in the mood to cook nutritious meals. I have to put my mind on go just to walk the dog. 

I've decided to try something different. I'm going to date myself. I'm going to see a play and take myself to dinner. I'm going to see if I can find a club or something for people my age and go listen to some music maybe dance in the corner by myself. lol. I'm tired of being Miss Lonely Jeans. I want to have a few friends, and if I meet someone, okay. Meeting a man is not in my top ten priorities. 

There are times I miss Brad, my fuck buddy. We were good in bed together, but I had to spoil it but saying the "R" word. You guessed it; relationship. I just should have kept my mouth shut. 

I also am still trying to get my butt to church. I'm just going to go on Saturdays I think. I can't seem to make Sunday happen. April and Erica do things without me all the time. So, I guess I'll have to do things and not think about them so much. 

I want to reach a place of loving myself and being comfortable with myself within the next few months. I've been trying to plan a trip for us, but I'm not getting much input. I'll just have to plan the trip for me. I think I'll look up a singles travel group today. Then I'll look for some plays to see in my area. It's time I spent my days in the light, and save the dark for sleeping. 

Peace, Joy, Love-B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Never Ending Feeling

 

Okay, so for the past couple of months, I've been in my emotions. I've been depressed, I've been euphoric and I've been angry. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what's wrong, but I figured it out yesterday in my session with my therapist, Stephanie. 

The biggest reason I've been so emotionally over the place is simply because of all the dates that have reminded me of those I have lost over the past 4 years. I thought I was moving passed my grief, but it came up behind me and punched me in the head. 

December 21st is my father's birthday. I used to go and visit him for his birthday and stay until the new year. Christmas was very lackluster last year. Since we're in a tiny apartment, we couldn't decorate like we used to do. 

January 6th is the date of my dad's death. My Aunt Berta's birthday is January 10th. She was my favorite aunt. My mom died on February 26 and her birthday is April 4th. So, I have been bombarded with all of these memories. I thought I was doing okay, but apparently not so much. 

I've been having dreams about my mother. They are not pleasant dreams. They start out fine, but in the end we always end up fighting. I wake up angry. I feel bad because I'm not looking at these dreams as a beautiful visitation, but as a confrontation with her about her dying. I am still angry at her for leaving me. I don't blame her, you understand, I'm just angry because I didn't have time to prepare. I didn't get a chance to say a proper goodbye when she was alive. 

Stephanie says I need to forgive her and change my perspective. I need to look at my life now and compare it to how it was when my mom was still here. I had an extremely co-dependent relationship with my mom. I used to call her everyday, most of the time crying or feeling sad. I depended on her financially, emotionally and spiritually. Now that she's gone, I've had to depend on myself. I have to say it's been tough going. I have only now figured out how to manage my money at the age of 58. I have only now figured out how to bring myself out of a depression. I have only now begun to view myself as an adult. I fought it for the past 4 years but I think I'm making progress. 

The one thing I still need to work on is forgiveness of her. I can't look at her death with anger anymore. I simply must come to realize that she was 80 yrs old and she was sick. She did not leave me on purpose. She simply died. 

Stephanie also gave me a checklist to go over when I'm feeling overwhelmed and emotional. 

1. Relationship issues or lack thereof: I would like to be married, but it's no longer crucial to my happiness. I'm feeling alright. If I meet someone, that would be great, but if not, that's okay too. 

2. Finances and work issues: Like I said, I finally figured out my money. I'd like to make more money which is why I am being intentional at work because I want to be promoted. I am still a level 1 at work, and I want to be a level 2. However, I was just placed on verbal warning at work because of my call quality. I have taken steps to work on it, and feel I'm getting better. I still have work to do, but I am taking steps to be more aware of my job and what is expected of me. It's up to me to put in the work. I am excited to go to work now. I go into the office twice a week now. Mostly because of the quality issue, but also I find that I enjoy it. I have a better time talking to real people and not just listening to people on TV. 

3. Grief and Loss: I know that the grief I feel will always be with me. I know that the beginning of the year is difficult for me. I have to anticipate it going forward and adjust my feelings accordingly. 

4. Health: Oh my God, I need to just go in for a full body makeover. Something always hurts and the chronic pain is exhausting and depressing. There are days when I just don't want to get out of bed. But, I force myself to get up and take a hot shower on those days to get my blood pumping. I can take better care of myself I know. Like I could walk more, drink more water, start taking my vitamins again, etc. I would like nothing better than to stop taking my diabetes med, and blood pressure meds, but until I get off my butt and do something about it, it's going to be my routine. The trouble is that I'm just plan lazy. Self motivation is not my strong suit. 

5. Social Interactions or lack thereof: Let's face it, I have no friends. I know of a couple of people in the complex that I say hello to, but that's it. I have my coworkers, but I am not a friend of any of them. I suppose I could reach out to Arlita. She's about my age, and she's very sweet. I could also get off my ass and go to church every week. I don't know what the issue is there, but I haven't been to mass in several months. I am going to volunteer at the food bank this Saturday, I'm hoping to do it at least once a month. Also, our team is having a skating party on the 20th. I'm going, but I can't skate. I'll just play a few games and sit around and talk. I'm going to have a good time. 

So, there you go. Those are the things I discovered in my therapy session yesterday. It's a lot but it was very useful information. I'm going to write down some things I remember about my mom and dad, since I am beginning to fade on those things. Stephanie said to write it down in a letter or poem and keep it so that if I ever feel like I am losing my connection to them I can pull it out and feel better and not miss them so much. 

That is my struggle and it's a real struggle that I have to deal with every minute of my life. Each second thoughts crowd my mind, and I have to fight off the negative thoughts and bask in the glow of the positive thoughts. It's a beautiful day here today. I may take a walk. I'll let the sun shine on me for a while. Today is a good day. 

Peace, Love, Joy - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Off Center

 

It's 4:51 am EST. The rest of the world around me is still fast asleep. I can hear the sound of distant thunder from the Amazon Echo in the bedroom. Both my sister and niece are cocooned in their blankets, just hours to beginning another day. For me, yesterday never ended. One day has bled into the next and here I am, body aching and eyes strained from lack of sleep. I'll just take a hot shower and have a couple of cups of coffee. That will be my morning after they've left for work. 

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 84 yrs old. She's been gone 4 years now. I'm used to the idea of her not being here, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. Sometimes, when I dream about her, I wake up angry. I still get mad at her for leaving. In my mind, I both love her to infinity and  hate her with all of the intensity of a spoiled brat. 

I know that she is the reason I have been up all night. For the past month, I have been feeling this day creep it's way into the crevices of my brain. Feelings of worthlessness and doubt have popped into an otherwise routine life. I don't really have much to look forward to anymore. There is no family except for April and Erica, and there are times when I am still left out of the conversation. I don't mind really, the brief sprinkling of topics that I do hear them talk about are of no consequence to me and I find them to be quite silly. 

My brother is speaking to me again. Well, we actually haven't had a conversation, but I'm off of his shit list. I suppose I should thank him, because if it wasn't for him shutting me out, I wouldn't have learned to stand on my own. I'm doing an okay job. I still have no friends, and money is tight, but the rent is paid, we have electricity, car insurance and water. Our food is not as glamorous as it once was, as a loaf of bread now costs $4 or more. We have 3 animals to feed too. We did have 4, but one of our cats died a couple of weeks ago. Each of us grieved in our own way. I cried for a day. 

I've been feeling a little off for the past month or so. The chronic pain is depressing and I'm tired of going to doctors. I have an appointment with my therapist on Saturday just to talk things out. I haven't been able to concentrate until tonight as a matter of fact regarding my feelings and emotions. I can't quite figure out what's wrong with me. I suppose I am missing my parents but that doesn't feel like the issue. I miss my dad a lot, but I don't get angry thinking about him. 

There is an issue that is bothering me. I'm starting to forget little details about them. I still remember a lot, but somethings aren't as vivid. I can still hear my mom and my dad laugh, and that makes me smile because they both had a boisterous laugh as well as a very corny sense of humor. I remember my mom baking in the kitchen and the smell of vanilla and butter permeating the house. I see my self running down the stairs when I saw my dad drive in from work to great him at the door. There were family dinners and Sunday morning waffles. Trips to the mall were a Saturday night outing. But it the little stuff I'm having trouble recalling. 

I can't remember exactly what my mom's hands looked like. I forgot her favorite perfume. The only flower I know she liked were hydrangeas and I'm not positive about that. It's crap like that that has me feeling low. I didn't expect it to happen so soon. I suppose it would help if I had all my photo albums and letters, but they are locked up in the storage unit. That reminds me to call about the price of a garage. However, I want us to blow this place when our lease is up. I'm having some premonitions about winning the Powerball. If that's the case, I think I will stay here, and let April and Erica go on their merry way. 

My job is okay. I'm getting better at it. I'm still learning stuff. I'll be there 2 years in June. I'd like to be a level 2 by then. I was supposed to start training this month, but the powers that be decided that I was not ready. I must work on my consistency. I know how to do the job, and I'm good at it. It's just that I get lazy and don't try to keep all my balls in the air. I've done it before, so they know I can. Right now I'm on verbal warning for quality so I have to go to the office 2 days a week. It's not bad. It gets me out of the house at least. 

That's all for now. I guess it is. I guess I'll make myself some coffee. Today I will center myself and take my time. I will do my best in each moment. No one will be able to say that I didn't try. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Top? of the Morning

 

It's March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. I'm not Irish, so this holiday has never been a big deal for me. It has always seemed like a day where all people do is eat and drink beer. It's supposed to be a day of celebration for a saint, but I don't see it. 

My family is Scottish. my last name is Scottish. However, now that I think of it, I think my mom's maiden name is Irish. I'll have to do a little more investigation. So, maybe I'm Scots-Irish. In that case, top of the morning to you. 

The past 2 months have flown by, which after January is a rather nice surprise. I thought we would never get out of the first month of the year. There was a very large, dark cloud hanging over my head. I'm still kind of depressed. I'm just in a rut. I still have no friends, nothing to do in my free time. My niece gave me a couple of books to read, and I started them, but I'm also experiencing anxiety, which I haven't had in a few months. My anxiety has manifested itself orally. Meaning that I'm either eating, smoking or chewing bubblegum. My mouth is constantly moving. I can't stop. I feel so restless if I'm not doing something with my mouth. 

I ran out of my anti-psychotic for about a week and a half, and I'm taking meloxicam for pain. Meloxicam can increase appetite and decrease the sense of taste. So, as a result I've been craving sugar and spicy foods. I also ran out of Ozempic, so I gained back 5 pounds of the 20 I had lost. I see my doctor, endocrinologist, on the 22nd of April. 

I went to my orthopedist a couple of weeks ago and it turns out that the pain in my left shoulder is due to a rotator cuff problem. So, I'm in physical therapy. It's going okay, but my shoulder is really throbbing. It's also causing me problems in bed. I can't sleep on my left side because of my shoulder, I can't sleep on my right side, because it causes abdominal pain. I did something to my sacrum last week, so I can't sleep on my back, because that causes my legs to get numb. If I was a horse, I think I would have been put down by now. I had an endoscopy about my abdominal pain, I still have to look at the results, they sent them to my online patient portal. I kinda don't care anymore. I don't want anymore pills or shots or surgery. But something tells me that my back and shoulder will be going under the knife sometime this year. Like I said, getting old is a bitch. 

We had another death in the family. Our cat Zuko died on Thursday. He was lying in the sun on my bed and he died. He'd been sick for a while, and we knew it was coming, but it was still a shock. I took the day off. I called my sister when he died, and she called Erica. We all miss him a lot. He was very talkative, so it's eerily quiet around here, especially in the morning. He was our alarm clock. So, now we have 2 cats and a dog. my cat Zelda is missing her playmate and eating buddy. Zaybra doesn't seem phased, but Kyber isn't sure of his place. He was second banana to Zuko. Kyber is our dog. He's the youngest of our pets. He will be 3 in August. Zelda is going to be 4 on May 4th. Zaybra will be 10 in the fall. 

I finally got my budget straightened out. Fortunately, I got my taxes back early to pay for my March rent before they started eviction proceedings. I had to borrow $400 from my brother, but I'm paying him back this week. Yes, my brother is talking to me again. It's been about a year, but I don't bother him unless it's a last resort, plus it was only $400 and not $1400. At any rate, April's rent will be on time. Of course, I'm still behind on my car insurance and electric bill, but those will be paid this week too. 

My mom's birthday is on the 4th of April. I've been thinking of her off and on. The anniversary of her death came and went without any emotional upheaval. In fact, I didn't realize it until the next day. Which is good I guess. After last year, I'm not dwelling too much on the past. I'm just concentrating on each day as it comes. The anniversary of my dad's death went by without any stirrings either. It was just another day. 

I'm still waiting for my state taxes to come in the mail. For some unknown reason I indicated that I wanted a check, which is stupid. But it hasn't come yet, and waiting for that money so I can buy a new bed. Right now, I'm sleeping on a twin air mattress. It's a good air mattress, but it's not a real bed. 

Work is going well. I start training class for a level 2 agent on April 1st. Hopefully, it will lead to a promotion and a raise, which I hear is a pretty nice chunk of change. I've doing more and more level 2 stuff. My supervisor likes me a lot, and I simply adore her. I can talk to her about anything, and she knows about all my medical problems. She is so supportive and encouraging. 

I think I'm hitting the road next month to visit my Aunt Delores and Uncle Pree. I can only go for a weekend, but it will be nice to get out of the house and sleep in a real bed. 

Oh well, I guess that's all for now. It's time for coffee and a cigarette. I got up early and took the dog for walk and fed the cats. I also scooped the kitty litter. I do that when ever it gets too full, as our cats are rather finicky and don't like to use a dirty litter box. So I keep it fresh and clean for them. Sometimes, I think I work to make sure my pets have a certain lifestyle. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I'd like to come back as a pet that is treated as well as we treat ours. 

Take it easy, stay safe, and don't drink too much green beer. Peace, Joy, Love-B

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The 75th day of January

 

Okay, is it just me, or is this the longest month ever? I feel like this month just keeps going on and on. Everyday is just spitting out the same thing from the day before. Nothing is different. I was kind of hopeful on New Year's Day that I would be able to accomplish some things this year but it doesn't look or feel like it. 

I'm constantly broke. I think I'm going to break down and see a financial advisor to help me budget. I've stayed away from Doordash and Amazon for a month and I still don't have enough money. I'm going to need money for rent, and I won't have enough because I missed a day at work due to this fucking abdominal pain that's been going for year. I went to the emergency room on the 10th, but everything came back normal, they even did a Cat Scan. All my internal organs are normal looking. The only thing that came back abnormal was my magnesium was low so I had IV magnesium given. 

The whole thing is really getting on my nerves, meaning that I've been depressed for the past 3 weeks. The weather hasn't helped. It's been extremely cold and grey here for a while, and then this week it just rained the whole time. I didn't shower all week last week. I washed my hair today. I guess that's something. I'm doing a deep condition too. I think I'm going to trim the ends today too. I looked up a salon nearby that has great ratings. I want to get my hair cut in a bob. I'm going to get a silk press, which is a straightening process that doesn't involve chemicals. I'm never chemically treating my hair again. 

We did a deep clean of the apartment yesterday. I clean the bathroom. Mainly because I know it's clean when I do it. Erica did the vacuuming, dusting and mopped the floor for me because I can't bend a lot anymore. Ah, the trials of getting old. She just turned 40 on the 23th. I can't believe my little niece is that old. It kind of makes me sad. 

I'm so tired all the time. I'm not sleeping too great. My left shoulder has arthritis and I have bursitis too. I need to get another cortisone shot. I'm so sick of doctors, I just don't want to call. I have a MRI of my right hip on Wednesday to see if anything in my hip is causing my pain since all the muscles, ligaments etc are all connected. I almost hope they find something to explain this pain I have. I almost wish it's something serious. Not terminal, just something. 

Oh well, I'm watching the Chiefs and the Ravens play now for the AFC or is it the NFC championship. I'm hoping the Ravens win. I'm tired of the Chiefs. Oh well, that's all for now. 

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: True Grit

 

There's a song by a group called Soul II Soul. The first line is "Back to life, back to reality." Well, That about sums up things for me. I'm back at work. I found us a new home. I'm also starting school tomorrow for medical billing and coding. It's a certificate program. It lasts 9 months, so I will be done in August. 

Getting here was tough. It took a lot of self control, determination and grit. I had to fight off anxiety attacks, creeping depression and my all around fear of chaos. Our house was in such disarray of which I had no control. I hate a mess. I hate clutter. For a solid month, I had to live with it. It's a wonder I made it out of the situation without some kind of breakdown. 

To top it all off, I was put in charge of finding us an apartment. We had kind of been evicted from the old place. We just couldn't afford it anymore, especially with my employment status being unstable. However, my credit was the only one good enough to rent an apartment. The only problem was that the apartment communities to which I applied kept saying I didn't have enough income. Apparently, there is some kind of arbitrary rule that states you should make about 3 times the rental amount per month to rent an apartment. I feel that that is bullshit. No wonder Atlanta has the highest eviction and foreclosure rate in the state. It's very expensive to live here. 

But after jumping through hoops and doing a dance for the apartment people, I secured a 1 bedroom apartment for us. It's something I can pay on my own if I must. Rent is $1711 per month. I'm also paying the electric bill. We are all responsible for 1/3 of the rent and our own phone bills. I added my sister and niece along with the car to my insurance policy. We split the bill. We also split the rent 3 ways since we are all working. 

Work is going okay. I was in training for a month, but I'm back on the phone this week at my normal hours on Tuesday. We have a shift bid on Nov. 6th and I'm hoping to get the 9 am to 5:45pm shift. I don't have any place to work in privacy anymore, so I'm set up in the dining room. April and Erica get home around 6 pm, and my hours end at 8 pm. It's going to be very inconvenient. 

If you haven't done the math, there are 3 people and 4 animals in a 1 bedroom apartment. It's very cozy, but so far we haven't had any blowouts or screaming matches. I am very grateful that we are all still together and safe. The apartment is okay, we had to leave a lot of stuff in the storage unit that we had rented when we got the eviction notice. Of course, we packed in a hurry, so we don't know where a lot of things are. As we've needed things we've gone back to the unit and looked for things, like winter clothes. 

Summer left without a word and Fall rushed in so faced and chilly. So, we had to go get our hoodies and scarves. The complex has a lot of trees and it's sort of woodsy, so it gets chilly when the sun goes down. 

I see my psychiatrist every 3 weeks, and I still see my therapist once a week. It's going pretty well. Last week wasn't good. I was very down, and just  wanted to pull the covers over my head, so that's what I did for 3 days. I didn't tell April and Erica. I didn't want them to get mad at me. But, they did notice I was feeling down. One day last week I was completely unfocused and unable to concentrate. I got lost going to the store, and I kept forgetting what I was doing. My psychiatrist told me  to check with my doctor to get some liver tests run, because I was also having abdominal pain and fatigue. I am hoping to get an appointment on the 10th of November, since I'm off that day. 

Well, I guess that's all. It's back to this thing called life. There are times when my mind still wanders as I wonder if this is really all there is. Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am. I am truly grateful to God for all He has done for me. I just wonder, you know. 

Peace Joy Love - B