Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Is This My Life?

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This isn't how my life was supposed to go. I'm supposed to be the wife of an executive, doctor or lawyer. I'm supposed to have 4 rock-headed boys and spend my days going to soccer, football, track and swim practices. My husband and I are still in love after everything we've been through, namely my battles with bipolar and diabetes. 

I live in a 4 bedroom, 3 1/2 bathroom house with a formal living room, dining room and a huge kitchen. The house is 3250 sq. ft. and has a 3 car garage, a big back yard with a firepit and an outdoor dining area with a built in outdoor kitchen. I do not live in a 1 bedroom apartment with 2 other people on top of me. Actually, we do okay. We give each other our space when needed. 

As I'm 59 yrs old, my children are grown, and one son is married with a 3 yr old and a baby on the way. I adore my daughter in law. We spend time together shopping, lunching and getting ourselves beautified at the salon. I just got a new Nissan Rogue , it's blue with tan leather interior. 

I cook dinner on Sunday, and the family gathers together to spend time and share the events of the week. My sons get along pretty well. Of course Darius, the oldest, thinks he knows everything and does not hesitate to share his wisdom with his younger brothers. My second son, Xavier, is the one with the growing family. My third son, Maximillian, is the creative and artistic one with gallery openings and riding the waves of the artsy set. My youngest, Avery, is the techno, engineering nerd. He could do complex math problems at the age of 5, and took physics in 4th grade. He graduated high school at 15. He could have graduated earlier, but I kept him in school to take electives and let him mature a little more before heading off to college where he graduated at the top of his class. 

They all have significant others and seem very happy. No one seems to have inherited my bipolar disorder. They've all been in therapy thanks to me. I wanted them to go to therapy just to be able to process my illness and my episodes of depression and mania. There were a couple of bad episodes, but with the love and support of my family, I got through it okay. 

So, what happened? Why is the above not my reality? Well, for one thing, I've lived the greater part of my adult life in survival mode. When a person lives to survive, she wraps herself in a cocoon of protective feelings and actions. I was extremely shy with people I didn't know. I still am to some degree, but I've been trying to break down the walls I hide behind to let people in my world. I had to learn to trust people since I never felt I could trust anyone in my life to be there for me. Growing up with a then distant father and a schizophrenic mother makes for an extremely anxious child. I grew up waiting for the other shoe to drop. I spent most of my adult life that way. It's hard to meet your person when you expect them to hurt you deeply. 

Which is why my track record is nothing but losers. I never had a chance with any of them, not that I wanted to have a relationship with any of them. All I did was have empty sex with them. I felt so bad about myself, if someone paid me the slightest bit of attention, there I was. 

Oh well, I'm not there anymore. I really love myself now and have set a pretty high bar. I'd rather be by myself than with someone who doesn't value me. I'm not lonely, I'm just used to being alone. I think that if I did meet someone now, he'd be pretty hard-pressed to get me to relinquish my me time. 

So, there you have it. The life the younger me wanted and the life the older me is living. Do I have regrets? Just one, I always wanted a child. But at this point I'll just settle for being a step-grandma. I like shopping for kids. Hell, I just like shopping. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Magic of Ordinary Days

 

Today is not a good day. Yesterday was a worse day. I realized that I am sinking into a depression. My physical health is taking a toll on my emotions. I'm frustrated and fed up. I feel like giving up. But then, I think of people who have it worse than me, and I feel guilty. I can still walk, albeit slowly. I can drive my car, but must admit there are times I shouldn't be. I can still get out of my home, although yesterday was kind of tough. I was feeling unsafe. 

I skipped physical therapy yesterday. I went there and parked but never turned of the car. I felt a panic attack brewing so I left and just drove around for an hour. I did go to Kroger though and picked up a few things. I wish I had a lot more money, I would just shop. I gave up Amazon for Lent. Although I did break my Lenten commitment another way. I masturbated. It was kind of a relief. I haven't done it in almost a year, and being as I don't get any type of affection or human touch except for the doctor, it was ,kind of needed. Still, it is a since, and I'll have to confess before I can take the Blessed Sacrament again. 

I started on Nurtec yesterday. It's an oral dissolving pill for migraines. It made me sick last night. I got up about 1 am to throw up. Although it might be the milk. I got some regular milk to put on my cereal yesterday because corn flakes and rice krispies taste funny with oatmilk. So, I had regular milk yesterday for the first time in 2 years. Now I have a lot of gas. Oh well, I had a lot of gas before anyway. 

I met a guy on Facebook. His name is Victor and he seems very nice and very genuine. We chatted a bit and exchanged photos in addition to the profile. I think he could be someone important if all goes well. But, I learned my lesson with Kevin. I will not fall so hard so fast. Vic is not a work in progress. He is a complete man and knows what he wants. I found him very easy to talk to. I hope it's not just a scam or my typical trash relationship. No sex for 90 days after first date. That in itself is very unusual for me as I usually have sex right away. But, I have my standards and I'd rather be alone than get involved in another sexual escapade. 

So, I suppose the magic in an ordinary day is the ability to turn it into a better day, something extraordinary. The day started out rather glum, but it was my decision to change it that made it better. How about that, I have super powers. I didn't have them years ago. This would have been the slip slide back down the rabbit hole for a few weeks of depression and hopelessness. I don't want to feel that anymore. I have finally trained my brain to turn off certain emotions and ignore deeply trenched triggers. It only took 30+ years to master. 

I used to just let my feelings take over and ride it out. I finally learned that I am the one who controls my feelings. It's okay to feel things, but I don't have to let my emotions take over my life. When I have a bad day, it's now okay to have a bad day, but now I have the choice to either wallow in it or make it better. By the way, I made it better before I heard from Vic. I hope to hear from him again, but if I don't oh well. It's his loss.  

Well, I only sat at my desk to sit on my back cushion to make the pain go away. It's settled down now, so I guess I will try to go to bed now. Oh, I should mention that I got a letter from Social Security and they are going to decide whether or not my benefits will continue. I have to get back to them with in 10 days. Needless to say, that's a mood killer, but whatever. They're going to do what they are going to do. I'm going to write to them about all my conditions and see what happens. Wish me luck. That's all. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B💖

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: What Becomes of the Broken Heartened?

 

Today, my heart is breaking. Not because of anything someone did to me, it's just hurting. My heart hurts because my body hurts, my head hurts, my soul hurts. My soul should be okay, I did go to Mass today where the homily and gospel was regarding the Samaritan Woman at the well. I was filled with the spirit of life, was quench with the water of life provided by Christ, my Lord and Savior. 

So, why am I down today? It didn't start out that way. I was up at 7 am, fed the cats and got ready for church. I wore my cute pink t-shirt dress and a denim jacket. I put my new pins in my hair. I looked cute. I was greeted at church warmly and even met 2 new people, a nice couple, Bob and Millie. They sit in front of me every Sunday. People are recognizing me as a regular now. It's nice. 

Next weekend, they are having a baby goods collection, so off to Walmart I went to get a few baby things. I got 2 outfits for a boy and 2 outfits for a girl  along with a couple of packs of baby wipes. I also bought myself some new socks. I must have 50 pairs of socks. I need to get rid of some. 

I came home and had breakfast, and tried to relax. Of course, it's hard to relax when you're in pain. My back is screaming at me. I put heat on it and some massage. It still hurts. I have a headache behind my right eye. I just popped a couple of Advil dual action tablets. 

I'm feeling a little blue today because today would have been 30th birthday of my friend's daughter. She tragically died in a car accident several years ago. She would have been 30 today. She was a very beautiful young woman, and was taken too soon. Makayla was my friend's only child. Since I've never had children, I cannot begin to understand Khris's pain. I can only imagine, and it makes a hole in my heart to think about it. 

Then there is the state of the world. I just don't understand how we got here. Well, yes I do, but I cannot blame just 1 or 2 individuals. I have to blame the whole country for allowing this madman to come to power and then just stand here and let him do whatever he sees fit. There is talk of him abolishing the amendment that limits presidents to 2 terms. I say okay, if you abolish it, then Barack Obama can run again and put this country back together. What the cheeto wants is to be a dictator. He thinks he will, but I have news for you. This country will only take so much of his tomfuckery before we rise up. It won't be in violence or anything, which is what he wants, it will be in silence as we take back our country and send the felon to prison where he belongs. 

I guess I'm just like everyone else. I'm tired. Naps can't help. The only thing I can do is protest and pray. That's all 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: If at First You don't Succeed...

 

Well, guys and dolls, cats and kittens, ladies and gentlemen, I had my cortisone shot in my S1 joint last Friday. It is now 4 days later, and it's worn off already. I was pain free for approximately 48 hours. Now, I'm back on my routine of Advil and Voltaren gel. I am back on the heating pad, and sitting on my donut cushion. In short, it's as if I never had the shot. What to do? 

Hmm, I'm not sure. I suppose I should call tomorrow and tell them "hey! it didn't work!!!" I guess I won't yell, but I will let them know I didn't find any relief. I don't know what the next steps will be. Maybe another MRI, probably another shot. Maybe we'll skip all the shit and just go for surgery. In any case, something will have to be done. 

I'm having the VNG test tomorrow for my dizzy spells. It's short for Videonystagmography . I'm going to have to wear special goggles that measures my eye movements why doing specific tasks. If I have abnormal eye movements, then it will prove I have a vestibular disorder. Quite frankly, I hope my reading is off the charts. I refuse to believe that my brain is normal. There is something wrong. I have to figure it out soon, so I can justify more leave of absence or that there is in fact nothing wrong so I can get back to work. 

I'm not scheduled to see my second opinion doctor until May 2nd. I can't wait that long. I'll have to call the neurologist to move up my appointment after I see the ENT on Friday. Somebody better tell me something. The ENT will probably refer me to a neurologist, which I have already.

I'm so tired of this bullshit. I wish it was over. I can see how people get depressed. I'm starting to get very anxious and irritable. I don't feel like doing anything, and I'm sleeping in more and more. Once I get a better idea of what I'm dealing with, I may have to call an attorney regarding additional social security benefits or go to the social security department. 

I guess I'll try and get some sleep now. 

Peace- Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Just Breathe

Well, it's 1:23 am. I've been up for 2.5 hours. I took a cat nap before going to bed, so I guess that's why I up. Plus, my friend back pain is here to visit. I took my pills and put the gel on my back before bed, but it didn't help. I came out to put some heat on it, but that didn't help either. So, I sat at my desk for a while because I have a back support pillow on my desk chair. While, I was sitting here, I thought I would attempt to write a little something. 

I have done nothing but housework for the past few days. I'm so incredibly bored. I haven't had any dizzy spells in the past few days, so that's good I guess. I got the results of my MRI. Seems I have some age related brain changes. There are some gaps. I also have a type 1 neurovascular compression of the anterior inferior cerebellum artery. It sounds worse than it is from what i looked up about it. I haven't heard from the doctor yet. I just saw the report and looked up the information. 

It is treatable. I may be put on an antiseizure medication or I can have a small surgical correction. I just got of Depakote a few months ago. I don't want any more psych meds. If have a choice I'll take the surgery. From what I read, the surgeon will make a small incision behind my ear and separate the nerve and artery. That will relieve the pressure that is causing the vertigo. I only have to take about 2 weeks off work for it. Sounds like a plan to me. 

Although I don't need another surgery, I would rather not become a zombie on another psych med that's going to make me drowsy. April and Erica won't be to happy, but I can't please everyone. I wish my mom was here. I wish my dad was here too. I know I can still talk to them about it, and they probably are looking down on me, but it's not the same. I need some hugs. 

I'm getting a steroid injection on Friday for my back pain. It will be a shot in my sacrum. The doctor said  may need surgery for that as well. My sacrum is unstable, hence the pain. He said he can put 2 screws in my sacrum to stabilize it and relieve the pain. It will be nice to sit down without pain. 

Oh well, I guess that's all. Except I'm broke, again. Just when I figured out my budget, I've got no money coming in at this time because my STD claim is still in review. I have my car insurance to pay next week. I get my disability check on Friday, so I can pay the rent. But, I have no money for food, or electricity or my phone. I also have medical copays, and credit card debt. I swear, I really dislike my body right now. If it's not one thing it's another. 

One good thing happening is I got accepted to Georgia Southern University to complete my BA in English. I've decided to get a degree in a subject I loved in high school. I can use it, but really I love reading and writing so I think I will do well. 

That's all for real. Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Conversations with God

 

It's 2 am on a Saturday morning. Am I just getting home? Hell no, I've been home all day. I don't go out at night anyway. I don't know anyone to go out with. I'm up because of my back pain again. I'm so tired of this shit. I was up very early Friday. I had a 7:30 am physical therapy appointment. I have no idea what I was thinking when I made that appointment. 

The therapist did the Epley on me 4 times. It worked pretty well. I didn't get dizzy until the afternoon. Mostly, I put heat on my back trying to stop it from screaming at me. I think I use the heating pad around 10 times a day. 15 minutes on and 45 min off. It's all beginning to get to me. 

I've been saying little prayers all day for the past week. I'm trying to remain positive and not think that a disaster is headed my way. I think that God is testing my faith. He's trying to see if I can remain strong and steadfast. That's a conversation I have with him a lot. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with Him and the way my life is going. However, I know that on the other side of these storms is peace. Besides, He didn't promise us joy in this life, but in the next. 

That's not to say that I haven't experienced joy. I definitely have even this year. I am so thankful that my mind has returned to normal. However, I do have a bit of trouble being grateful about the current state of my health. I was thinking the other day that if I were to fill out a questionnaire about my health, I would have to say poor. 

I came across a quote the other day; I asked God why He led me into these troubled waters, He replied because your enemies can't swim. 

I thought that  was rather deep, and I took it to heart. I have to keep thinking that way, or I will end up drowning. I have to remember that I am not going through this alone. God is by my side. So, whatever the outcome, I must follow God's plan and life my life as a testimony of His love. 

Sometimes, I wish I was more religious. I am definitely very spiritual, but not overly religious. I prefer to keep to myself most of the time when it comes to prayer. I don't know passages of Scripture by heart, and I'm not a what I call a bible thumper. I can explain my faith and my choice to become catholic, but I'm not going to bang anyone on the head about it. 

I usually have my conversations in the wee hours. Sometimes, He has me write like I am now. Sometimes, He has me pray. Other times it's just quiet time. I ask questions. The hard part of talking with God, is that He doesn't get back to you right away. It's not like you can call or text. God takes His time getting back to me. Most of the time, my answers come in lessons learned and sometimes the lessons are hard. Like now, I ask why this is happening to me. The answer; why not me? 

Next week is the beginning of Lent. I am giving up my Amazon habit. That's right ladies and gentlemen. I'm not buying anything from Amazon for 40 days. If you know me, you know how much I love to shop, especially on Amazon. I call it BezosMart. 

I was going to give up watching Everybody Loves Raymond. But not shopping on Amazon is more of a challenge and something that I need to address. I spend at least $300 a month on Amazon. Now that I am more cognizant of my finances, that's money I need to set aside for savings. I also have a couple of bills that I just added. I bought a life insurance policy which is $41.80/month and I am pre-paying my cremation expenses which is $62.77/month. 

I know that all sounds morbid, but I want everything to be in place. Especially with all that's going on right now. Now, I just have to get my will together. Well, I guess that's it for now. I need to pray a little more. God's usually up this time of the morning. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Who Are You Trying to Convince?

 

Today, February 26th, is the 5th anniversary of my mother's death. I've been thinking about this day for a few weeks. I was trying to determine if the day was going to get me down, or would I choose to deal with it in a healthy way. I decided that today was going to be a good day. It went okay. I didn't collapse in a heap of depression and tears. I didn't pity myself. 

What I did was post a little tribute to my mom on my Facebook page. I posted the formal picture of her. The one where she looks so beautiful. It got a lot of responses. Some people even said that I look like her. I only wish that was true. My mom in her heyday was quite a beautiful woman. 

I wish she was here so I could call her about my visit with the neurologist. He wants me to have an MRI of my brain as soon as possible and follow up with him next Friday. He is concerned, but can't make any determination if my dizzy spells are truly vertigo from BPPV or something more. So naturally, I am thinking the worst. I try to remain positive, but there is just so much going on with me. 

My back is acting up again. I have been up for several nights, including tonight with severe back pain. I'm taking Advil dual action, but I've got electricity going down my right leg and it feels like I'm sitting on rocks. It looks like another round of steroid injections. I really don't want to because it raises my blood sugar so much, but I can't live with this pain. I see the doctor on March 5th. Between the vertigo and my back, I'm sometimes ready to call it a day. 

I have physical therapy on Friday morning and 4 days next week. I rescheduled my dental appointments until later in March. I've got to get these 2 issues solved before dealing with my teeth. I mean if it turns out I have a brain tumor, I don't think I'll care too much about the gap in my teeth. 

Like I said, I am trying to remain positive, and I'm doing pretty well I think. But then again, I can't keep my mind from going down familiar pathways of thinking. Someone told me that faith and fear cannot coexist. You're either afraid or you have faith that everything will work out in your favor. So, I guess I'm letting fear win right now. I need to pray more so I can strengthen my faith. 

But then my mind starts spinning again. Who am I trying to convince anyway? Anyone who will listen quick frankly. But mostly, I'm trying to convince myself. 

That's all 

Peace, Joy, Love 

Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Spare Parts

 

Well, I have another medical issue. I think I'm going to turn myself in to the dealership and get an overhaul. I mean, come on!!!!! I'm having severe low back pain. When I say severe, I mean wake up crying in the middle of the night severe. Last night I was up until 1:30 in the morning, trying to deal with it. A couple of nights before that I was up until 3 or 4 AM. I'm exhausted as well. 

Let's go down the list shall we. Starting from the top; vertigo, ear pain, headache, stiff neck, sore left shoulder, bad back, sore right leg and stiff knees and a busted up ankle. To top it off, I'm diabetic and have bipolar disorder. Some good news on the bipolar front. I off of Depakote, and have a reduced dosage of Cymbalta. /apparently they recalled the 60 mg caps that I was on. Now I take 40 mg capsules. My mirtazapine has been reduced to 15 mg. All and all, I have been feeling pretty darn good mentally. I'm upset emotionally. The stress of the vertigo and back pain is wearing me down. 

I've been using heat on my back and am being careful about how I turn my head and position my body. I must admit, my physical therapist has help reduce the frequency of my dizzy spells. The intensity is the same. I have some testing coming up to find out the origin of the dizzy spells. I see my neurosurgeon on the 5th of March for my back pain. 

I qualified for a free home wellness visit. That's on the 3rd. I'm supposed to have an extraction and filling next Tuesday at the dentist. Oh yeah, my teeth are jacked up also. I need 2 crowns and a bridge. I also need braces. My teeth are moving, and starting to crowd each other. I may put it off a bit. I only get $2500 in benefits per year, and I'm not paying more than I have to. She's talking like $5000 plus worth of work. 

This is what I mean when I say I need an overhaul. The warranty on my body has expired, and everything is going to pot. I need to be stretched, massaged, and steamed. I wish there was a way to just go into a wellness facility for an overhaul and get new parts. However, there are no spare parts, not for organs anyway. You can get joint replacements, everything except the back. I've already had spinal fusion. I guess I'll have to see if it's failing or I just need more injections. I guess it's failing they open you back up and redo it. That would be my 5th back surgery. I can't see myself doing that again. I can't afford it, but then again I can't really afford not to. The pain was so bad this morning I couldn't work. I just curled up on the couch and slept for 2 hours. 

Speaking of sleep. I'm still tired and my back is acting up again. So, I'll close here. I'll keep you posted. Today is not a good body day. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Thank God for the Weekend

 

So, this weekend is a 3 day weekend, and all I can say Thank the Lord!! I am so tired. The week was just soooooo long. It felt like Friday would never get here. The phone calls were few and far between. I still messed up on my quality. I got a 84% which is failing. We're supposed to get at least an 85%. The week before I got a 67%, and the week before that I got a 78%. I don't know what my problem is. It's just laziness I guess. I'm also kind of embarrassed to go through the whole spiel. 

I don't mind doing customer service. I kind of like it. I like helping people understand what's going on with their plans. However, I sometimes get some shithead who thinks they know more than I do. It's like, no sir/ma'am you don't have that coverage and you never did. I don't care how much your premium is and how long you've had insurance with us. We did not write your plan, your employer did so if you want to scream at someone, scream at them. 

I don't take well to being screamed at or told that I am a  liar or don't know what I'm talking about. I do know what I'm talking about, and it pisses me off when someone says I don't. I've been in insurance for blah blah years, honey, I know how it's done. Okay, bitch/dickhead you go with that. 

This weekend is all about self care for me. I did my laundry, painted my nails, and plan on coloring my hair. I'm giving myself a facial in a few moments. I do it every Saturday night. I use a Tumeric and vitamin C mask. I'm trying to get my skin to look more awake and a little brighter. I have a couple of dark areas on my face that I want to brighten. I need to figure out what to do about my little beard. I have these coarse hairs on my chin. I've been shaving them, but I can't get the hairs below the surface. I have some Nair lotion, but it kind of burns. I'll try to do it after my facial, or should I do it before my facial? Oh well, I'll figure it out. 

I've started wearing makeup again. I haven't worn makeup for a year. I was starting to look a little worn out. My skin was dull, and my eyes have circles. I got this eye cream from IL Makiage. It works pretty well. It makes my eyes look more awake. I got some new foundation too. It covers really well and it's not heavy. I started using primer on my face so my makeup sets better and stays on all day. 

The weekend is now about me. It used to be me doing things for other people, but I make a list of all the things I want to do each weekend. It's not all cleaning all the time anymore. It's about relaxing, recharging and reflecting. Well that's all for now. I hope you have a great weekend yourselves. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Dodging Bullets

 

Well, I sure caused a ruckus. The rent was late, but what else is new. I have yet to master the timing of my bills and my money. As a result, I find myself robbing Peter to pay Paul. As a result, I am constantly overdrawn and chasing my own ass. This month was especially bad, because not only did I have a late fee of $165.50, but if I didn't pay the rent by the 13th I'd have an additional $500 fine and be threatened with eviction. 

So, I did what I always do. I asked my brother for help, and as usual he was livid. He calls April instead of me. Long story short, he sent the money for the rent, so I didn't have the extra $500 fine. I also got a lecture of how I am irresponsible, blah blah. I started to protest, but I didn't. Why poke the bear as it were?

So, then the 3 of us had this meeting about finances and my budget. I get approximately $1200 biweekly from Delta, and my disability check. Adding it all up and comparing my monthly expenses, I have plenty of money to cover my bills including the rent. My problem, is I wasn't making the rent the first priority. So, we've decided to pay the rent with my disability check. The rest of my bills are paid with my Delta money. That way, our rent is paid in advance of the 1st, and everything else just gets paid when I get paid. 

I also got a chance to explain all of my expenses, including the loans I got to buy the living room furniture. That means I get another $100 from April and Erica. That will help pay for the furniture. Erica is also going to give me money for gas, and she is going to pay for Kyber's groomer. I usually put $50 of gas in the car per month. $25 every 2 weeks. We don't go anywhere, plus I fill the tank when it gets to half. 

Now, if I could just figure out the food thing. I may try Factor. If I spend $80 every 2 weeks on food, that's $160 and I budgeted for $175. I have to either get a Dash Pass or stop getting take out. I really don't like to cook that much. If I cook something, I have a tendency not to want it. Besides, I have to work until 8 PM, so I need something quick to eat so I can go to bed at a good hour. 

I'm still in charge of animal care. I don't mind. They are healthy, so they don't go to the vet that often. I had to drop their insurance because I could afford it. Pet insurance is expensive and with 3 animals it's just outrageous. 

I now owe my brother $2900. I am going to pay him back if it kills me. I know he gets mad at me, but I'm determined to make it right. I feel very guilty when I call him. But he should realize that he is my last resort. I don't call him lightly. I try to work things out on my own before asking anyone for anything. Hopefully, if I can pay him back this amount, he will realize that I'm trying. Of course, I'm paying him back a little at a time. Next week will be around $250, after that, I'm hoping to pay him $500 monthly until it's paid off. 

In the meantime, I'm also trying to save for a new car, a house and a vacation. It's a tall order I know, but I think I can do it. I just can't call out sick anymore and God forbid I cannot go on disability for anything. 

Well, I guess that's all for now. It's 3 AM, and I have yet to get any sleep. I am going to try to get some rest. All this dancing around dodging financial bullets make a girl tired. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Feel the earth Move

 

Okay, it's been 3 months since my dizzy spells began. I was diagnosed with BPPV, benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. However, things are looking pretty grim. My spells have started to last for hours, even days. That is not the case for BPPV in which dizziness typically lasts for seconds or a minute maybe. 

 I'd be lying if I say that I'm not worried. It's starting to keep me up at night. I keep catastrophizing the situation. What if it's a brain tumor? What if I have Parkinson's disease? What if I have some weird cancer of the inner ear? You know, just me thinking of the worst case scenario because that's what I do. It takes years of practice to think the way I do. 

It's my mom's fault. Not anything she did purposefully you understand. It's just because there was a lot of missed opportunities for reassurance in my life. I spent the greater part of my life waiting for her to die by suicide. God knows she attempted it enough. I used to come home from school fully prepared to find her dead body in the house. It's horrible way to grow up. All that anxiety and living in survival mode took a toll on my poor body. 

Sometimes, I have wondered if this is some kind of psychosomatic illness. But, people have seen my symptoms. I have this awful tremor in my right hand. My hand used to shake occasionally, but now it does it constantly. It's worse when I'm stressed, which is beginning to be all the time. 

To top things off, I'm now looking at some extensive dental work. I went to a new dentist for a simple exam and cleaning. Turns out I need a scaling and root planing, 2 root canals, a filling, an extraction, braces and a bridge. I'm talking at least $5k worth of work. I see why people have all their teeth taken out and get dentures, but I don't want to get dentures. I want to keep the teeth I have. It will take a couple of years to do, since I have only $2500 max per year in benefits. I hope I get to keep my job. 

I failed another quality score. I had 3 100% in January. I failed the last week of January and the first week of February with 78% and 65% respectively. I don't know what's wrong with me. It seems the more I try the more mistakes I make. I'm just going to have to relax and do what I know how to do. 

This job is really a cake walk. All I have to do is follow the quality template and easy peasy 100%. I should be a level 2 by now. Maybe by my 3rd anniversary. I hope my mind holds out. I feel like I have to get rid of some information in order to memorize new stuff. I wish brains had a flash drive. 

I'm getting my car serviced today at 7 am. Then I have an appointment with Sheeba at 11:30. The only 2 things I'm getting done to my car is an oil and filter change and new wiper blades. I can't afford anything else. The check engine light came on the other day, but that was just due to the gas cap not being tight enough. Erica put gas in the car and didn't screw the cap on right. I fixed it, and the light went off. I need to hurry up and get Car Shield or something in case the car really breaks down. Unfortunately, I can't afford it. At least I don't think so. I'll have to see. If I can get it for $50 or less a month, I'll get it. Right now I'm pretty much broke. I'm always broke. I don't even have $3 for the lottery. Pitiful huh? I could really use a financial windfall soon. 

The rent is late again. It's always late. I won't be able to pay it until the 14th. They'll draw up the paperwork on the 10th for eviction. I'll just have to wing it as usual. I still have to pay Jerald back his $1000, and save money for emergencies, and general savings. I'm trying to save $100 per month, but all I've saved so far is $5. Like Shaboozey says, all I need is little good news. 

Well, that's all for now. Hopefully my car service will be about $100. That way I can pay Sheeba. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Just a Dizzy Broad

 

Okay, I've got a new health issue. I know you're probably like "What the hell now?" I'm beginning to think that my body is definitely campaigning against me. If it's not my back, knees or shoulder it's something else. 

This week has been my head . I've had dizzy spells for the past month or so. On Wednesday however, I had severe dizzy spells all friggin day. I had to take most of the day off because I was so sick to my stomach. I went to physical therapy on Thursday, and she did a maneuver that adjusted the crystal in my ears. In case, you didn't know there  are crystals in your ear canals that keep you balanced. The crystals in my right middle ear canal were dislodged. Whenever I lay down on my right side, my eyes would start twitching and I couldn't keep myself straight. 

My therapist got my crystals in alignment, but I'm still crooked and I get dizzy only a couple of times a day. I think I need another adjustment. We'll see when I go to therapy on Tuesday. I do wonder why it's happening. Things are just falling apart. 

I having back pain again. I have to fall asleep sitting at about a 45 degree angle. However, that makes my lower back hurt like the devil. So, I end up sleeping on my side, which I'm not really supposed to do because of the whole crystals thing in my ears. My right ear is the one that bothers me the most. I was a little dizzy when I got up this morning. But it went away. 

Today was church day. So, I went to Mass at 10:45 am. It was very nice. I was uplifted. The homily was given by Fr. Avery. He's a young, black priest. He rambled a bit, but I guess that's because he's still young and a bit in experienced. The homily was about realizing what God did for us, by sending His Son to die for us on the cross. We need to be filled with the Good News and share it in words and deeds. It doesn't have to be a big thing just something to serve the Lord. Also, we need to stop letting other gods direct our lives. It could be stress, the job, family or friends that are yapping in our ears and distracting us from our real purpose. 

So, I am feeling so much better mentally. I haven't had a depressing thought in weeks, and suicide is not even an option. I have been keeping myself busy with writing, reading and watching my favorite shows. I recently got Britbox and have been watching Father Brown, and Sister Boniface Mysteries. Both are really good British mystery shows. The interesting and often quite funny. 

The Eagles play today against the Washington Commanders for the NFC championship and a chance to go to the Superbowl. I have my Eagles t-shirt on and my sparkly Eagles sneakers. Yes, I wore them to church. My sister and I rock the Eagles gear whenever they play, especially if it's televised, like it is today. 

It's finally going to be a little warmer this week. No more frozen feet. My feet and legs get cold sitting at my desk because I sit right by the window. There's no other place to put my desk. Our apartment is to small. In the afternoon, as the sun moves, I get cold. I keep the heat at 68 degrees, mostly because I forget to turn it up. Sometimes, I'll turn it up to 69 or 70 but that's it. We grew up wearing sweaters and putting blankets on ourselves. When I was little we all slept in my grandmother's unheated attic. That's how I learned to cocoon in the winter. I'd have 2 blankets and a heavy quilt, plus flannel pajamas. Even though I'm in Georgia, I still sleep with 2 plush blankets. I can't sleep when I'm too cold or too hot. I am also one of those people that has to have a breeze to circulate the air, so I have a very tiny fan by my bed. 

I got a sleep appliance the other day. It's for my sleep apnea that I was diagnosed with last year. It fits over my teeth and keeps my jaw aligned so my tongue doesn't fall back. It keeps my airway open so I don't snore. So, far it works. I've gotten much better sleep. April and Erica said I stopped snoring and I'm not restless anymore. Erica told me once, it's like I fight demons in the night because I would kick in the middle of the night. 

Well, I guess that's all. The game has started. #FlyEagles#Fly!!!! 

I am loving life today!!! 

Peace, Joy, Love forever- B