Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Good Evening Anxiety, Have a Seat

 

It's been a while since crippling anxiety has come to visit. I almost forgot what she looked like. But she hasn't changed much. Still the same harried expression, messy hair and overall ill. I don't know what brought this on, but I had a series of anxiety attacks today. It was just anxiety instead of panic because with a panic attack I feel like I'm dying. 

Today started well enough. I didn't want to get out of bed, but that's nothing new. I stayed in bed until 8:48 am. I finally got up and washed up. I put on my Queen t-shirt and black lounge pants. I lay down on the couch for a while, and almost fell asleep again. I was 2 minutes late for work. I didn't want to work today. I started to get bored and you could tell in my voice that I didn't care. Anyway, the first attack came around noon. I had heart palpitations and a really shaky feeling in my gut. My head started to hurt and then my hands started shaking. I decided I'd clock out for just an hour to rest and get myself together. 

My gut started to churn mercilessly. I had shooting pains in my abdomen and I had diarrhea. I felt horrible, but not so horrible that I didn't know what it was. I haven't felt this level of anxiety for over a year. I wish I knew where it was coming from. I was thinking about my life and wrote a list of 10 goals I want to accomplish over the next couple of years. I did my homework. I applied SMART principles to my goals and wrote them out. I outlined what I wanted to accomplish, how I was going to measure my progress, what was relevant and realistic, the time frame etc. I felt good about it. My first goal which I want to accomplish in 1 year was to lose 50lbs. I made a list of diabetic friendly foods to shop for and looked up some recipes on the Mayo Clinic website. I listed how many steps I wanted to make per day. I know the standard goal is 10k steps, but I'm lucky if I get 3k. I mean I work at home for goodness sake. Where am I walking to? 

I did my shopping today, and got a top sirloin steak, some boneless, skinless chicken tenders and some center cut porkchops. I got veggies and fruit. I'm back on diet soda and Splenda. I've been using sugar for the past 5 months, but I need to stop my processed sugar intake. I bought sugar free Italian sweet cream coffee creamer. God, I even bought sugar free gum. I had my one last hurrah on Door Dash with a mushroom cheeseburger and fries from 5 Guys. I couldn't eat it because my stomach is still churning like a hurricane. So, I put it in the fridge for tomorrow. I think I better get some more Mylanta. 

I made an appointment with a new therapist for Saturday afternoon. It's at 2:50 pm, but I'm supposed to see some raptors at the bird store. The 3 of us are going. I'm a member of the bird store, so I got an email on Monday about it. I knew Erica would want to go, but April said she would go also. I'm going to go, I just have to duck out to the car for my appointment. I may change it. I'll have to think about it. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I'm not going. I told them I have the stomach flu, which is close to what' s going on. I asked for a rescheduled appointment on Tuesday. My new therapist is on Headway. It's only going to cost me around $30. It may not cost me anything as I'm sure I've met my out of pocket by now. It's kind of sad that I've met my deductible and out of pocket for the 3rd year in a row. 

I got the results of my cat scan for my jaw. Everything is normal. I just need to pay attention to my salivary glands and make sure they don't get blocked again. Basically, I need to massage my glands to ensure saliva flow. God, my stomach hurts. I have to at least start work tomorrow. I'm probably going to get written up for attendance. I asked off for 6/4 and 6/20. I wish I could just get  through one whole week without getting sick. Last week was migraines, this week it's my gut. I should go to the doctor, but they're just going to refer me to a gastro specialist. I am due for another colonoscopy. But, no surgical procedures are allowed until August. I'll have to make an appointment. I see Dr. Shveta on the 4th. I'll talk to her about it then. 

That's all for now. Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Remember Who You Are

 

Today is Mother's Day. As you know, my mom is dead. Sounds kind of heartless to say it that way, but those are the facts. I've been thinking pleasant thoughts about her. I don't get angry at her anymore. I mean it has been 5 years. One thing that bothers me though, is we never had a service for her. We all had to say goodbye in our own way. I've thought about having something for her, but it's kind of like, why? Maybe, I'll make a video with pictures in it. But, it's kind of a moot point in the long run. I've made my peace with it. 

It occurred to me today when I woke up this morning, that I am a black person. Before you laugh, this is something I don't always realize. For some reason, my mind decided that I needed to know this today. I woke up today and thought of 2 things; we have a new pope and I am a black person. I never refer to myself as an African-American. My family is just regular American. We've got some mixtures along with some African ancestry, hence the melanin. But, since I have no idea of what country or region of Africa said ancestors came from, I don't think of myself that way. That part of my family history was hijacked, our language stolen. We have some Native American ancestry as well. Lots of black people think that, but it's true on our part. There are pictures of a distinctly Native people in our history. Let's not forget that a lot of my family could pass for white, and some in fact did. 

Of course, I did ask myself why I was thinking about this today, but I really can't say why. Sometimes, it just pops in my mind as a friendly reminder. I have been living my life as a regular old person. I forget things about myself. I forget that I am fat, I forget that I have physical and mental challenges, I forget that I am a woman. So, why wouldn't I forget that I am black? This is especially true now. I mean in this day and age, the government would like nothing better than me to forget the things that make me a unique individual. They are trying desperately to erase DEI, trying to make this an America of the 1950's when the old white man ruled the world. Unfortunately, people are either too shocked to do anything about it, don't care or agree. The whole MAGA dogma is about turning control back over to white men, whether they are mentally competent to run things or not. Case in point, the Grand Cheeto or Convict-in Chief. What an incredible buffoon. Yet still people hear and listen to him. He is so incredibly stupid. He actually thinks he's a good person. Meanwhile, I'm thinking past governments both foreign and domestic would have had him taken care of by now. I guess it's true, you just can't get good help anymore. 

I've decided that the only way for me to get ahead is to leave this country. I'd like to move overseas and live out my days peacefully with my cats, dogs and a few horses. I'm not sure exactly where, but I really like the idea of living in the English countryside. I'd win a very nice lottery amount and buy a manor house and live in the country. I know England is just as racist as America, but they have nicer country and they need rich, obnoxious Americans to buy some lordships and maintain their old sense of entitlement. Of course, I'll never grace their tea parties, but they'll have me over for galas for charitable events. I'll out snob them, because I am so very bougie. lol 

So today I've recognized my blackness. Maybe tomorrow I'll investigate my love of Italian food or Kosher pickles. There is talk that my great grandmother was once married to a Jewish man. I don't know if my grandfather is a result of that union as she was a rather loose woman. But O Vey!!! 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Little Good News

 

So, a lot has been happening this week. First off, we have a new pope. Pope Leo XIV, used to be Robert Francisco Prevost. The first American pope in the Church's history. He seems nice. It appears that he is following Pope Francis's direction. He is going to continue to reach out to the world and spread the message of loving one another and saving our planet. He's also spent some time in my old stomping grounds of the Philadelphia suburbs. Specifically, he has a mathematics degree from Villanova University. Which is good, because from what I understand, the Church finances are a mess. He had leadership roles in the Church, he knows everyone well. I don't pretend to know a lot about him or the Church mechanisms. I just know I feel good about it. 

Also, I had my surgery last Thursday, and it went well. I ended up staying overnight for observation. I came home on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, I got a incidental infection in my left parotid salivary gland. I got up on Sunday and it hurt on the left side of my face, but by Sunday afternoon it was swollen to the size of a tennis ball. I called the nurse line for my insurance company, and she suggested I go to urgent care, which I did. I got some antibiotics and was told to follow up with my PCP or my ENT. I decided to go to my ENT, and she gave me a different antibiotic and referred my for a Cat Scan, which I have on Tuesday the 13th. Seems I have a small growth, or some kind of blockage. Because, I've had this infection 3 other times they want to check it out structurally. 

Because of the infection I didn't work Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. I went back to work yesterday. I worked my full shift both days. I'll lose money, but I don't care too much. I have to take care of myself. 

I signed up for Live Well at work and got myself a life coach. I guess I should find another therapist, but I'm not sure what I need her to do. I guess I just need someone to bounce some things off of once in a while. Sometimes, when I try to talk to April and Erica, I get these blank stares and they ask me about the last time I talked to a therapist. With a life coach, I figure I can learn to balance the things that are going on and what I'm feeling. 

I have a lot going on right now. I have mental, emotional and financial challenges. I've been dealing with the mental shit for 45 years. Emotionally, I'm just trying to stay balanced, especially with the physical issues that have been going on. I've been meeting some pretty major goals. I did stop smoking. It'll be a year in August, and I'm going back to school. This time I'm going to finish. I'm going to get my BA in English. I'm going to Georgia Southern University. I'm entering as a senior, so I should only have to meet the requirements for my major to graduate. I'm hoping to get my degree next year, but like I said, I still am trying to figure out what credits are all transferrable. My advisor is working on that for me. 

It's Mother's Day weekend. Normally, I'm very emotional at this time. I used to get mad with all the Mother's Day advertisements. But not so much this year. I posted on Facebook already wishing everyone a happy day regardless if a human parent or a fur parent. I'm a mother to Zelda. She's 12 pounds of black and white crazy kitty that relies on me for everything. I can't sleep without her. She is my soul pet. She turned 5 on Sunday the 4th. I'll probably post my mom's picture on Sunday. 

I got April a gift. I got her a cherry blossom ring. It cost $130 and Erica said she'd go in on it with me. She's also paying for her mom to get her hair did on Saturday at Ulta. So, I hope she has a nice day. She's a good mom. She's a good sister, even though I hate her guts sometimes and call her a bitch under my breath. 

Well, I guess that's all. So, while things have been all over the place lately, there is a little good news out here. You just have to look for it. I'm still trying stay positive. So, I'm still looking for it. Fortunately, my butt doesn't hurt too bad, and I am able to sit for a while. Of course, I still have my pain meds that I take every 6 hours. It starts to scream if I wait too long. 6 hours is just the right amount of time. I also am walking around the house and walking the dog more often to keep up my circulation and keep from getting stiff. Kyber enjoys the more outdoor time. I really love him. He's a great dog, even if he does have some neuroses. lol. Zelda was a bit combative today, but she's been curled up on the chair for the better part of the day. She got in trouble earlier for terrorizing Zaybra. But then she just conked out.

Well, so long for now. Happy Mother's Day. Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: You Live You Learn

 

Well, Pope Francis has been laid to rest. Back to your regularly scheduled program. It's kind of weird that he's not here anymore. There is so much crap going on in the world, and we don't have any major religious leader to look to for guidance. We are just kind of out here drifting further into chaos and despair. 

I personally am no longer drifting like I was. My mind and my body have finally calmed down. The rage that took up residence in my head has dissipated. I'm back at work. It's going okay. It's a bit boring. But, I'm just sticking with it because I was promised level 2 training and a raise. I was also promised a new schedule that would change my hours to something earlier in the evening. I'd like to work from 9-6 or 10-6:45. I'm tired of getting off work and having only enough energy to grab something to eat and going to bed. I must admit that I do like getting to sleep until 8 am. However, you will notice that it's 4:36 am right now and I am wide awake. I'll be ready to pass out around 11 this morning. 

So my ex brother-in-law was here yesterday. He and his family came to a concert in Atlanta. It was great to see him. I've said it before and I'll say it again. He's more of a brother than my own brother. He asks about me, and wants to make sure I'm okay. My brother doesn't ask about me to my knowledge. Of course, if I could just balance my checking account, we'd get along better. So, I guess that is my fault. 

I looked up my social security account, and I have a payment scheduled for May. I have no idea what the hell is going on with them. I wrote a letter of appeal. I got this long email about their return to work program. I guess I'm supposed to do that. I have no idea what to do. I wish I knew what to do. 

My surgery is happening on Thursday. I'm hoping it's an easy surgery with no real downtime, since I need to go to work on Monday the 5th. I hope I can sit. I need to really be aware of my attendance since they are starting to crack down on certain things at work. I also need to watch my after call work time. I spend at least a minute after each call to make sure everything is documented properly, but we are supposed to use a max of 30 seconds. Oh well, I guess I'll get written up for that. I also need to work on my call quality. There are a few things I should be doing that I don't, mostly because I think it's stupid or I'm just being lazy. I really need to get it together. I'll be there 3 years in June and I'm still just an associate advocate. I need that level 2 money like yesterday! 

Well, I guess that's all for now. I think I'll try to catch a few winks. 

Peace- Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hell has Frozen Over

 

You won't believe it! You simply will not believe it. My sister paid the rent!! All of it. She did not complain. She did not curse me out. She gave me her card and said to pay it. So, it's paid. I told her when I get paid that I will just give it to her, but she said that wasn't necessary. See, I told you. Unbelievable. 

The car insurance will probably lapse, but I don't care. As long as I deal with it before a month goes by, I'll be fine I think. It doesn't really matter, I'll have to pay a fine to the state for not having insurance. Last time I paid it, it was $25. I'll probably need to use my paycheck for that. Fortunately, my phone and the electricity is paid. 

I missed work on Friday. I had a migraine from hell and back spasms. So, I took my pills and went to sleep. I don't think I'll get in trouble at work. April and Erica actually expressed concern this time. I'm having back surgery next Thursday. My SI joint is getting fused. That's my sacroiliac joint. That's the surgery for 2025. Remember 2024 was the shoulder, which is still bothering me. Now, I'm having increasing pain in my left hip. It's my actual hip joint this time. I can feel it grinding if I walk too long. It's been bothering me for over a year, but I just haven't said anything. Why complain about every ache and pain? I should really just go out on permanent disability somehow. I need to spend at least 6 months in a hospital to get all my issues worked on at once. 

The really big deal around here is that Erica started talking to her estranged father. This started a few days ago. She's acting like it's not a big deal, but it's huge. She has had such rage against this man for almost 10 years. Why she's letting go now is anyone's guess. I'm sure he's thrilled. He did miss her. He's coming to town this week with Erica's sisters for a concert. So, it's like a skewed family reunion. I hope it goes well, I really do. Looks like Hell really froze solid. I can't believe it. 

I slept most of today. I'm a cat in human form. I am a Leo after all, and the lion is my spirit animal. Cats sleep about 16-20 hours a day and wake up only to hunt and feed. Which makes sense. I wake up to eat then go back to sleep. My back is so out of whack, and my body in general is tired. 

I am no longer angry. I'm just tired. I'm also cold. I've been bundling up and sleeping. I wish I had a weighted blanket, not hot but heavy. I guess I'm feeling anxious, hence my need to cocoon.

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A New Week, Back to Work and a Dead Pope

 

Well, it's Easter Monday. I spent yesterday quietly. I went to 10 am Mass. I wore my new outfit complete with Easter hat. People said I looked nice. I was the only one with a hat, but you can't expect too much with a predominately white congregation. Had it been a black church, goodness knows what hats there would have been. 

Today is the start of a new week, which is significant for me because I also go back to work this week. I was hoping to start today, but my work account is still disabled. It should be up and running by tomorrow. I also start on a new team. I am no longer on the Texas team handling one insured group. I've been put on the commercial side on Team Prestige. I'll be handling all kinds of groups again. That means I'll be taking provider calls again as well as members, and those vile broker calls where they want to check benefits or claims on multiple members. Yuck. I hated those calls, they would especially call late at night. However, the good news is that my hours are changing. I don't know what they are yet, but I'm hoping to get off by 6 pm. 

The pope died today. I'm a little heartbroken. After Pope John Paul, Pope Francis was my favorite. He was kind and loving towards all people and didn't believe in the majesty of the church. He believed that the servers of Christ should be among their flock, and hear them. So, now begins the battle over the future look of the Church and what stance it will take on the moral issues of the day. As for me, I'm not conservative at all. I believe that all people have the right to love whomever they choose. While I can't see gay marriage happening in the Church ever, I believe that gay marriage is allowable. I don't believe in abortion across the board. I feel that there are too many ways to prevent pregnancy for it to be an option for a mistake or oops. Abortion should be allowed in cases of rape, incest and to preserve the life of the mother. Other than that, adoption is always an option. I suppose some would argue, but that's just how I feel. Understand mind you, that I am not unbendable in my views. If someone has a point to make, I will also consider it and may even change my mind. It depends on the circumstances. 

I'm feeling much better today. My rage has passed and I am dealing with my negative emotions. I think I needed to clean out my emotional boxes, and get rid of some built up resentment and anger. I have noticed however, that I haven't really spoken to April or Erica very much. I just don't have anything to say right now. I have stated my case, and if they want to feel pissy about it, that's on them. But I have been taking note of some things. 

I'm not feeling depressed like I usually do after an angry period. I haven't turned it around on myself as is my old pattern of behavior. I haven't said all of the hateful things I wrote down, which the whole point of writing them done. I just got the feelings out of me and am moving on with my life. I wonder what would happen if they ever came across my blog and read the many posts I've written about them and others. It would blow their minds I'm sure. Haha. Oh well. Maybe I'll leave t for when I'm dead. 

Peace- Queen B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: How is this My Fault?

 

It started out as a simple message. Hey, need help with the car insurance this month. It's $362, and I have $190. What do I get? A fucking attitude! My car costs $110 to insure per month. It's your fucking car that costs so much. I don't car if you do have a high car payment, that is not my problem. I insure both cars under my name, and by rights you should be paying me something for the insurance. I also pay the electric bill, $178 per month. I don't get anything for that either. I should be getting money for that from both of you too. Oh and let's not forget that I have been paying the rent which is $1721 per month, and paying it with MY FUCKING SOCIAL SECURITY!!!!!!! 

What do get from you per month, $200 if I'm lucky. You don't even buy my food. I have to buy my own shit. God forbid you should pick up some juice for me. OOPs, this just in, a suggestion, file an appeal for my social security. You see they sent me a letter saying that because I have had substantial work or whatever for a period of time, my time is up. The thing is, I sent them an appeal letter when they said I was going to be investigated. I have the diagnoses for eligibility, it seems you can't be a contributing member of society at the same time. I guess I'll have to send another for the powers that be to be satisfied. I don't know what I am supposed to say. 

I'm so tired of this money shit. It's like okay, you pay your bills and I'll pay mine. Neither the twain shall meet. I guess someone will just have to cut down on her coffee intake. That's $100 a week right there. Make your fucking coffee at home like the rest of us. I'd like to get Starbucks everyday too, but I know I can't afford it. 

I give the fuck up. You both on on my last nerve. I don't get angry very often, because I don't like the way I feel when I'm angry. But right now, my guts are churning and I want to just leave. I wish I knew someone. I'd go over her house and moan bitch and complain. 

You know what, if I win the lottery, you guys are getting $100k, after that you can kiss my ass. I'm outta here. 

Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Sometimes I HATE Your Fucking Guts!

 

Okay, so you've had a bad day. Well, join the fucking club. You think I'm enjoying my life right now. My back has been screaming at me all fucking day. I've got a migraine because I forgot to take my pills. Yeah, yeah you're on the spectrum. Your brain doesn't work "normally". Big fucking deal. I've got bipolar disorder, my brain hasn't been normal since I was 16 years old. 

So, you've got allergies. You think you're the only one!! Almost everyone I meet has an allergy, but none of them complain about it a tenth of what you do. In fact, you complain about everything all the fucking time. You like your job, hate your boss, but you don't confront him. You just sit there and stew in it all day and wonder why you're so tired. You soak up stress and say nothing, and then wonder why you don't feel well. Sometimes, I just want to slap you because you seem to like being the victim. Sometimes, you're the dumbest bitch I've ever met, and quite frankly, right at this second, I hate your fucking guts!!!!!

You act like no one has it as hard as you. You let people push your buttons because you can't set boundaries for yourself. But it's their fault for getting on your nerves. People treat them how you let them shithead. Learn to say no, it ain't hard. Your former therapists tried to tell you that, but they were wrong. You admit you carry rage with you, but refuse to do anything about it. So we're supposed to treat you with kid gloves whenever you're in a bad mood?! Fuck you! You're an exhausting person to live with since you're in a bad mood ALL the fucking time. 

You want to be alone, then fucking leave. We can figure out how to live without you. You want to go to Minnesota? Well, god dammit, go pack your shit and get the fuck out!!! Truth is you're 41 years old and you ain't fucking going anywhere. Your mom can manage without you, but face facts little girl, you can't live without your mom. I know of what I speak. I can't believe I gave you the power to make me so angry during Holy Week. I'm so pissed, I can't sleep. 

You don't want to talk to me, fine, don't fucking talk to me. I'm done. FUCK YOU!!!! 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Don't Look Now, but I'm Back!!!!

 

Well, it's been 3 days and I must say that my dear old friend depression is back. It kind of crept up on me. I knew it was coming, I could feel it. I tried very hard to fight it, but I admit it, I gave up. I've been sleeping a lot, and my food choices have been less than stellar. I think I'm going to cook some chicken tonight or tomorrow. I want to get a few more apples, and some mushrooms and sautee them all together with some chicken. Maybe, I'll throw in some Bellini jam too. Sounds good, I just hope I have the energy to do it. 

I ran out of steam also. I'm just so fucking tired all the time. I guess I should see my therapist, but then again, what am I going to say. It's not like I haven't been through this before. Plus, I know what it's about. I don't have any money, again. I was late on this month's rent, so I had a late fee on top of it. I wasn't sure I'd get my SSD this month since I got a letter saying they cut me off. I don't know when that goes into effect, but I got to get back to work, and maybe get a side hustle. Driving for DoorDash is starting to look pretty good. Plus I can set my own hours. I can do it on the weekends. 

Praise God, Hallelujah!!! I just got my disability check. I immediately paid my rent. So I have about $500 left to my name. I still have other bills to pay. But, I'm getting my hair done on the 16th. I'll be damned if I cancel that. I'm getting my nails done tomorrow, just a pedicure. I'll have my toes out for Easter, so I can't do a home pedicure. It's not like anyone looks at my feet, but I'll know that they are pretty. That's all that matters right? 

The guy I met on Facebook dating, Victor, turned out to be a dud. He talked a good game, but he met someone else, and I guess he could get me off his mind afterall. lol. Anyway, I've been sending likes to different guys, they all look nice, but I haven't checked to see if they like me back. I'm tired of texting, I want to go on a real date. Not that I can have him come to my hole in the wall apartment. I'll have to meet him somewhere, I guess. But, I suppose if I tell him all the good and bad, he might understand. Just as long as I make it clear I'm not looking for a sugardaddy or someone to rescue me. I don't need anyone to do that, I can take care of myself. 

I've called a group meeting for tonight regarding our funds. We need to discuss the social security situation and bills that affect us all. I'm going to need help with the electric, car insurance, and more money for rent. It's going to suck big time. We are all stressed beyond measure. But, I can say that this time it is not my fault. I didn't do anything, okay, I did spend some money that I should have, but I'm tired of living like a church mouse. 

Well, I've got a little more energy right now since the rent issue is done. I think I will straighten up the house a bit and light a candle. Its also story time. That's all for now. My back is killing me. Need to take a pain pill. Talk atcha later. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Is This My Life?

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This isn't how my life was supposed to go. I'm supposed to be the wife of an executive, doctor or lawyer. I'm supposed to have 4 rock-headed boys and spend my days going to soccer, football, track and swim practices. My husband and I are still in love after everything we've been through, namely my battles with bipolar and diabetes. 

I live in a 4 bedroom, 3 1/2 bathroom house with a formal living room, dining room and a huge kitchen. The house is 3250 sq. ft. and has a 3 car garage, a big back yard with a firepit and an outdoor dining area with a built in outdoor kitchen. I do not live in a 1 bedroom apartment with 2 other people on top of me. Actually, we do okay. We give each other our space when needed. 

As I'm 59 yrs old, my children are grown, and one son is married with a 3 yr old and a baby on the way. I adore my daughter in law. We spend time together shopping, lunching and getting ourselves beautified at the salon. I just got a new Nissan Rogue , it's blue with tan leather interior. 

I cook dinner on Sunday, and the family gathers together to spend time and share the events of the week. My sons get along pretty well. Of course Darius, the oldest, thinks he knows everything and does not hesitate to share his wisdom with his younger brothers. My second son, Xavier, is the one with the growing family. My third son, Maximillian, is the creative and artistic one with gallery openings and riding the waves of the artsy set. My youngest, Avery, is the techno, engineering nerd. He could do complex math problems at the age of 5, and took physics in 4th grade. He graduated high school at 15. He could have graduated earlier, but I kept him in school to take electives and let him mature a little more before heading off to college where he graduated at the top of his class. 

They all have significant others and seem very happy. No one seems to have inherited my bipolar disorder. They've all been in therapy thanks to me. I wanted them to go to therapy just to be able to process my illness and my episodes of depression and mania. There were a couple of bad episodes, but with the love and support of my family, I got through it okay. 

So, what happened? Why is the above not my reality? Well, for one thing, I've lived the greater part of my adult life in survival mode. When a person lives to survive, she wraps herself in a cocoon of protective feelings and actions. I was extremely shy with people I didn't know. I still am to some degree, but I've been trying to break down the walls I hide behind to let people in my world. I had to learn to trust people since I never felt I could trust anyone in my life to be there for me. Growing up with a then distant father and a schizophrenic mother makes for an extremely anxious child. I grew up waiting for the other shoe to drop. I spent most of my adult life that way. It's hard to meet your person when you expect them to hurt you deeply. 

Which is why my track record is nothing but losers. I never had a chance with any of them, not that I wanted to have a relationship with any of them. All I did was have empty sex with them. I felt so bad about myself, if someone paid me the slightest bit of attention, there I was. 

Oh well, I'm not there anymore. I really love myself now and have set a pretty high bar. I'd rather be by myself than with someone who doesn't value me. I'm not lonely, I'm just used to being alone. I think that if I did meet someone now, he'd be pretty hard-pressed to get me to relinquish my me time. 

So, there you have it. The life the younger me wanted and the life the older me is living. Do I have regrets? Just one, I always wanted a child. But at this point I'll just settle for being a step-grandma. I like shopping for kids. Hell, I just like shopping. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Magic of Ordinary Days

 

Today is not a good day. Yesterday was a worse day. I realized that I am sinking into a depression. My physical health is taking a toll on my emotions. I'm frustrated and fed up. I feel like giving up. But then, I think of people who have it worse than me, and I feel guilty. I can still walk, albeit slowly. I can drive my car, but must admit there are times I shouldn't be. I can still get out of my home, although yesterday was kind of tough. I was feeling unsafe. 

I skipped physical therapy yesterday. I went there and parked but never turned of the car. I felt a panic attack brewing so I left and just drove around for an hour. I did go to Kroger though and picked up a few things. I wish I had a lot more money, I would just shop. I gave up Amazon for Lent. Although I did break my Lenten commitment another way. I masturbated. It was kind of a relief. I haven't done it in almost a year, and being as I don't get any type of affection or human touch except for the doctor, it was ,kind of needed. Still, it is a since, and I'll have to confess before I can take the Blessed Sacrament again. 

I started on Nurtec yesterday. It's an oral dissolving pill for migraines. It made me sick last night. I got up about 1 am to throw up. Although it might be the milk. I got some regular milk to put on my cereal yesterday because corn flakes and rice krispies taste funny with oatmilk. So, I had regular milk yesterday for the first time in 2 years. Now I have a lot of gas. Oh well, I had a lot of gas before anyway. 

I met a guy on Facebook. His name is Victor and he seems very nice and very genuine. We chatted a bit and exchanged photos in addition to the profile. I think he could be someone important if all goes well. But, I learned my lesson with Kevin. I will not fall so hard so fast. Vic is not a work in progress. He is a complete man and knows what he wants. I found him very easy to talk to. I hope it's not just a scam or my typical trash relationship. No sex for 90 days after first date. That in itself is very unusual for me as I usually have sex right away. But, I have my standards and I'd rather be alone than get involved in another sexual escapade. 

So, I suppose the magic in an ordinary day is the ability to turn it into a better day, something extraordinary. The day started out rather glum, but it was my decision to change it that made it better. How about that, I have super powers. I didn't have them years ago. This would have been the slip slide back down the rabbit hole for a few weeks of depression and hopelessness. I don't want to feel that anymore. I have finally trained my brain to turn off certain emotions and ignore deeply trenched triggers. It only took 30+ years to master. 

I used to just let my feelings take over and ride it out. I finally learned that I am the one who controls my feelings. It's okay to feel things, but I don't have to let my emotions take over my life. When I have a bad day, it's now okay to have a bad day, but now I have the choice to either wallow in it or make it better. By the way, I made it better before I heard from Vic. I hope to hear from him again, but if I don't oh well. It's his loss.  

Well, I only sat at my desk to sit on my back cushion to make the pain go away. It's settled down now, so I guess I will try to go to bed now. Oh, I should mention that I got a letter from Social Security and they are going to decide whether or not my benefits will continue. I have to get back to them with in 10 days. Needless to say, that's a mood killer, but whatever. They're going to do what they are going to do. I'm going to write to them about all my conditions and see what happens. Wish me luck. That's all. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B💖

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: What Becomes of the Broken Heartened?

 

Today, my heart is breaking. Not because of anything someone did to me, it's just hurting. My heart hurts because my body hurts, my head hurts, my soul hurts. My soul should be okay, I did go to Mass today where the homily and gospel was regarding the Samaritan Woman at the well. I was filled with the spirit of life, was quench with the water of life provided by Christ, my Lord and Savior. 

So, why am I down today? It didn't start out that way. I was up at 7 am, fed the cats and got ready for church. I wore my cute pink t-shirt dress and a denim jacket. I put my new pins in my hair. I looked cute. I was greeted at church warmly and even met 2 new people, a nice couple, Bob and Millie. They sit in front of me every Sunday. People are recognizing me as a regular now. It's nice. 

Next weekend, they are having a baby goods collection, so off to Walmart I went to get a few baby things. I got 2 outfits for a boy and 2 outfits for a girl  along with a couple of packs of baby wipes. I also bought myself some new socks. I must have 50 pairs of socks. I need to get rid of some. 

I came home and had breakfast, and tried to relax. Of course, it's hard to relax when you're in pain. My back is screaming at me. I put heat on it and some massage. It still hurts. I have a headache behind my right eye. I just popped a couple of Advil dual action tablets. 

I'm feeling a little blue today because today would have been 30th birthday of my friend's daughter. She tragically died in a car accident several years ago. She would have been 30 today. She was a very beautiful young woman, and was taken too soon. Makayla was my friend's only child. Since I've never had children, I cannot begin to understand Khris's pain. I can only imagine, and it makes a hole in my heart to think about it. 

Then there is the state of the world. I just don't understand how we got here. Well, yes I do, but I cannot blame just 1 or 2 individuals. I have to blame the whole country for allowing this madman to come to power and then just stand here and let him do whatever he sees fit. There is talk of him abolishing the amendment that limits presidents to 2 terms. I say okay, if you abolish it, then Barack Obama can run again and put this country back together. What the cheeto wants is to be a dictator. He thinks he will, but I have news for you. This country will only take so much of his tomfuckery before we rise up. It won't be in violence or anything, which is what he wants, it will be in silence as we take back our country and send the felon to prison where he belongs. 

I guess I'm just like everyone else. I'm tired. Naps can't help. The only thing I can do is protest and pray. That's all 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B