Today is not a good day. Yesterday was a worse day. I realized that I am sinking into a depression. My physical health is taking a toll on my emotions. I'm frustrated and fed up. I feel like giving up. But then, I think of people who have it worse than me, and I feel guilty. I can still walk, albeit slowly. I can drive my car, but must admit there are times I shouldn't be. I can still get out of my home, although yesterday was kind of tough. I was feeling unsafe.
I skipped physical therapy yesterday. I went there and parked but never turned of the car. I felt a panic attack brewing so I left and just drove around for an hour. I did go to Kroger though and picked up a few things. I wish I had a lot more money, I would just shop. I gave up Amazon for Lent. Although I did break my Lenten commitment another way. I masturbated. It was kind of a relief. I haven't done it in almost a year, and being as I don't get any type of affection or human touch except for the doctor, it was ,kind of needed. Still, it is a since, and I'll have to confess before I can take the Blessed Sacrament again.
I started on Nurtec yesterday. It's an oral dissolving pill for migraines. It made me sick last night. I got up about 1 am to throw up. Although it might be the milk. I got some regular milk to put on my cereal yesterday because corn flakes and rice krispies taste funny with oatmilk. So, I had regular milk yesterday for the first time in 2 years. Now I have a lot of gas. Oh well, I had a lot of gas before anyway.
I met a guy on Facebook. His name is Victor and he seems very nice and very genuine. We chatted a bit and exchanged photos in addition to the profile. I think he could be someone important if all goes well. But, I learned my lesson with Kevin. I will not fall so hard so fast. Vic is not a work in progress. He is a complete man and knows what he wants. I found him very easy to talk to. I hope it's not just a scam or my typical trash relationship. No sex for 90 days after first date. That in itself is very unusual for me as I usually have sex right away. But, I have my standards and I'd rather be alone than get involved in another sexual escapade.
So, I suppose the magic in an ordinary day is the ability to turn it into a better day, something extraordinary. The day started out rather glum, but it was my decision to change it that made it better. How about that, I have super powers. I didn't have them years ago. This would have been the slip slide back down the rabbit hole for a few weeks of depression and hopelessness. I don't want to feel that anymore. I have finally trained my brain to turn off certain emotions and ignore deeply trenched triggers. It only took 30+ years to master.
I used to just let my feelings take over and ride it out. I finally learned that I am the one who controls my feelings. It's okay to feel things, but I don't have to let my emotions take over my life. When I have a bad day, it's now okay to have a bad day, but now I have the choice to either wallow in it or make it better. By the way, I made it better before I heard from Vic. I hope to hear from him again, but if I don't oh well. It's his loss.
Well, I only sat at my desk to sit on my back cushion to make the pain go away. It's settled down now, so I guess I will try to go to bed now. Oh, I should mention that I got a letter from Social Security and they are going to decide whether or not my benefits will continue. I have to get back to them with in 10 days. Needless to say, that's a mood killer, but whatever. They're going to do what they are going to do. I'm going to write to them about all my conditions and see what happens. Wish me luck. That's all.
Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B💖